A letter from Jun 28, 2025

Ive been putting this off for a while because i dont know what to say to the grade nine me who wrote before: no I dont have friends and yes im still so lonely I cant comprehend how i feel or why i cant be content with myself and I like before I have desire to live but atleast now i have no will to die i have motivation i have ideas i want to do something in the world before i die but i still go to sleep imaging for hours alternate lives i maybe just could have lived where Im not some lonely loser Over the past year Ive understood like so much more yet im still lost im writing more because i wish i wrote more last time but it feels liek a blur. I live the same day everyday and its all the same to me. hang out with friends who i hate and laugh at even my name. feel like a loser. then feel like a loser for not hanging out with anyone. repeat. I dont understand if you only live for so long the obvious is to make the most, the only criteria of justice is how others feel happy only if everyone understood everyone could be happy, yet im so selfish and so arrogant. im not gonna yap about morals because i mostly forget, but I just feel that nobody understands me emotionally or morally and I still feel like im smarter then everyone else I want to be selfless i want to feel happy from the happiness of others but i cant I wish i understood how to live more every day i waste i waste thousands of breaths of oxygen the trees that were planted for my life are being wasted and no im not twelve and thinking for the first time since i realizse this is public but anonymous but im just so confused its like u think u understand then u learn and u realize u dont understand then u learn more and you realize when you were foolish u were still somehow right everyday my understanding of life is flipped upside down idk if i have some type of mental disorder (i do daydream the whole day) or I wasted every choice i had in life i dont know how people can be so happy i try to live and i try to do good, im not stuck in some sunk cost fallacy but yet im still lost i just have 0 motivation i realized i just yapped pretty much nothing; it its 4;59 am and i havent slept the whole night but im too lazy to go to sleep and rewrite it maybe thats why im such a loser.. i scheduled this for may so maybe when school is over and I realize its my only thing to do in life (still somehow have bad grades despite knowing most of the content) i will have the best of my all changing preception on this nonsensical world idek im just tired ill probably write a follow up and that this made no sense - june 28 2025 5:05am - hqx