A letter from Jun 22, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Last year I think was the first time I did not write myself a letter since I was 18, and I was really missing receiving this tradition. So even though I'm struggling, I'm still going to write the letter. Some things are good, others are really not. Probably once a day I think I'm in an abusive relationship, other times I dont think it's abusive but I don't like him anymore. Other times it's tolerable and I think I can make it work because I need help. Either way I want to decenter him but I think it's just that my body is feeling like something important is going on and it needs addressing. But I've come to that I just need help in this season right now. I don't have the strength to make moves otherwise. Other than the relationship with him, other than still living in Portland, I guess I'm okay? I love my kids. It's been a hard year. The hardest. But my children are a blessing. I'm going to get back to work. I want desperately to move back home to California. I don't know where things will be next year. Turning 35 is really...interesting. I'm starting to feel the aging. I've already felt it with the gray hair and little things like that. But 35 just sounds like I'm really inching towards getting older. I don't know. I'm motivated to get back to work. Get land with MY name on it. Give my children a beautiful childhood, a happy life. I need to start with myself, too. Every year that passes is another year without my mother. What do I desire for this year? I want to make my prayers, ask for blessings. I'm struggling. That much is clear. I suppose things could always be worse. I am changing and evolving so much, especially after Lillian's birth. What I want is different. Who I am is different. What I tolerate is different. I want peace in my home and in my life. Respect, kindness, evolved ways of being and relating. I want sovereignty. Stability. I want to enjoy my life! Hobbies. Going out. Traveling, exploring. It seems like the way to do all of this is through my work. Money making. Where will I be next year? I don't know. I hope what I am hoping for will be made manifest. With love, Me