A letter from June 22nd, 2025

Dear Dear 19 year old hallieusually i do these in like the next 5 years or 10 years but today im doing it for in 1 year because i think my life will have changed a lot in just a year due to like starting college and everything. im currently sobbing because i just got my letter back from 2022 and it was to jalee and it was about how we were going to go to disney which we in fact didnt do. and she doesn’t care. but i do i just cant make it seem like i do. instead she’s going to younglife camp with literally all of our friends except me and its fine ill be at my camp. but it still hurts everything hurts my stomach hurts from being hungry all the time my head hurts from my thoughts my legs and my arms hurt from carrying my campers last week and running around and playing with them. i love my job. im scared for college. i hope me and jalee are still friends. i want to get baptized. it’s so funny every time these letters come out im always at the beach or packing to go to the beach but usually i wake up in my room at the beach house to see jalee text me like OMG OUR FUTURE LETTERS CAME TODAY and thats how it always is june 22. but we didn’t send them to each other last year. im worried about college and i hope i like uk and i want to make new friends i dont want friends that make fat jokes. i wish i was going to younglife camp. but honestly do i? i get closer to God at my own camp. i feel the spirit more with my kids. if i went to yl i just would want to be there because of fomo. lauren smith makes me mad. honestly addie makes me mad. i don’t want to room with ava and kaitlin they seem mean and i don’t know anything about them besides ava doesn’t snap me and kaitlin has 5000 instagram followers. i haven’t been on instagram in a few days first at camp i was too busy and then yesterday in the car on the way to the beach i just didn’t get on it because i see girls like ava and kaitlin and it makes me want to starve myself and **** myself and i look at myself in the mirror and i push my chin down until it hurts my face to try to lose face fat. i suck my stomach in until i can’t breathe. after school this year i would come home and sneak on my dads exercise bike for an hour with my stomach growling at me. im scared to wear a bikini today on the beach today is the day i told myself to lock in for all summer yet i never did. i don’t have a summer body and i don’t think i will. i want to go to the gym. i feel so disgusting. camp honestly healed me i would eat and not care because i was too busy to care and i hope next week im too busy to worry about my friends at younglife. i hope in a year younglife doesnt even matter. i think younglife is dumb. maybe because im not involved in it. i want to write jalee a letter but what am i going to say. hi sorry me hating myself made you hate me too? as if LOL. my stomach is growling right now and i don’t know why because i ate like crap yesterday who the heck told me to get a 630 calorie milkshake at chickfila and eat like 2 giant cookies and 2 giant chicken strips. bro im so fat. what the freak. i’m so done feeling uncomfortable in my skin. i wish i could just go out in the sun to tan and the fat would melt off of me. my head hurts. my face hurts from all my acne. i don’t want to go to college. i just want to be a little kid in my moms bed. i want to go back to camp. even though kelsey makes me feel like a terrible person. i just love my kids. i want them to never feel like how i did. they need to grow up and be like sophomore year hallie who isn’t afraid to have one more bite and not graduated high school hallie who hates herself and lost 20 pounds in the last 8 months. a year ago i didn’t even know what calories were and now it’s all i see when i look at food. except at camp. i don’t even want to be here at the beach this year. i want to go home i want to die. i literally just want to die. but i also don’t because then id miss the cotton candy cloud sunsets like i saw on the beach last night. and id miss my kids. i cant wait to be a teacher. my whole life is living for other people and not for myself. but i wouldnt change that because i want to live for the kids and for Jesus. i want to get baptized and grow closer to Jesus. i hope i get baptized at camp this year. i miss sophia i miss ea. i miss kaden but she probably misses sarah more than me. i don’t think nat misses me. addie misses avery more than me. i want a boyfriend but i also think there is so much beauty in being single. i’m done. 
hallie you’re beautiful please go look in the mirror and tell yourself how pretty you are. you aren’t fat. you are perfect. you are here and that’s all that matters because senior year Hallie who weighed herself 4 times a day after school didn’t want to be. go eat food. i’m scared to have my donut for breakfast but i’ll probably eat it anyway. i’m scared to wear my bathing suit on the beach. i love you hal.love, hal