A letter from June 17th, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Today is Nyx's court date I hope he's ok I miss him he's one of my best friends. I feel absolutely nothing right now I've been about almost a week clean I think or at least it feels like a week you'll get this letter in one year, which isn't long but hey I hope things are better in a year. I can't even get out of bed right now, I threw up my food again just to feel any type of relief I didn't want to resort to cutting again. It makes me so upset to think I've always wanted to be a mother and now in about 4 years I won't be able to have a child, I know I can always adopt and I'll love them the same but it still hurts knowing that my option to have a child was token from me. I blame myself if it wasn't for my actions I probably wouldn't have had to have my ovary removed I mean I know I didn't ask to have cancer especially at such a young age but this is my fault and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions this is what I deserve anyway. people always tell me that I can have a child when I'm 21 but who the hell would want to be with me? I mean look at me I had to cut my hair so short because I had cancer and I'm fat and ugly, my hormones are out of balance and I have a plethora of mental health issues who would ever love someone like me. I don't even love myself, in a world of humans and monsters I'm an abomination. oh it's 4:44 lol, I hope one faithful day I find peace, I know I have to work for it but I could always take the easy way out. I won't tho even when I try I fail at that, I'm such a failure I can't even die. I'm 19 years old with no job, not in college, single, and can't even clean their room, I am punishment to my parents I am not a blessing but a curse I'm sorry mom and dad anyway I hope stuff gets better for you I hope you someday look back at this and reply telling me that your happy and have a family (or one on the way) life is tuff but you've made it this far and I have some hope ♡