A letter from Jun 15, 2025

Dear Future Me, Happy birthday. You deserve to hear it, believe me. Life has been so hard for me lately, i dont exactly know how to explain this but ive recently found my moms diary. Everything inside of it was clearly just a suicide note, it changed my whole perspective to my mother. I dont know if i personally want her to die or stay alive. Shes a creep, shes a weirdo. But at least ive found out that shes aware she has mental issues, that shes insane. I know how it feels. I know how it feels like to fighting the urge to just let yourself be you. To show all people around you that youre insane, that youre so out of your mind... Suicide takes everything from you until eventually it takes your life. Its gonna take a good cry, its gonna take a pill, its gonna take happiness, its gonna take everything, everyone, anything from your hands until at the end of it it takes your life from your hands, not just your hands but also your soul and also every little thing that made you feel the butterflies in your stomach to every small thing that made you smirk when you remembered them. That old smell of your village, drawings, poems, music that reminds you of the old times. Everything. Your sisters well made and yet half burnt cookies to your mom making you a crep in the morning because she knows you like sugary things, your cats purring to your uncle cooking your favorite dish, games you played with your cousin and the money youve spent on them for a small bit of happines to feel like youre satisfying your inner child that lived inside you with an innocence once upon a time. That kid never died, she just discovered the real word. The satisfy that shoots through her body when she saw the blood dripping down her thighs, the safety that made her body shake when her sister gave her a kiss on her birthday, that sadness creeping and seeking her insides from that cold and harsh night she felt on her first day at physch ward, the disgust and nausea she felt when she realized she heard the nurses making comments about her body...Its gonna pass, everything is gonna get better. Its gonna take a pill, a good cry, your feelings, your money, your happiness and every little things that made you happy once. Remember, do it for your inner child, dont let her die. Shes aware she disappeared way too early...Help her feel the same happiness when she saw her dad finally coming back to Turkiye but also make sure you make her cry like the minute she watched her dad head to the airport and leaving Turkiye again. Make sure you slap her to make her sit on the floor and sob. She deserves it. Hurt and make her cry but also make sure that shes not dying somewhere and struggling all alone in her room. Make sure she eats and blows the candles she thought it was her last. Happy birthday.