How I Feel About You

Dear FutureYou, Something you should know about me is that I like to write, especally when I'm drunk. On this ocassion I began writing this, not because I was drunk or at least not drunk in the usual kind. If you're being read this by me personally, I suspect you've cornered me. You probably confidently confronted me accusing me of having feelings for you. I probably questioned how you're so confident and you probaly said because of the way I look at you or the way I treat you or possibly a combination of both. I probably then asked you if knowing the truth was worth it even if the truth was inconvenient or unhelpful. Knowing you, you probably said yes. Well.. here's the truth: I'm starting to realise that I like you. I like you a lot. Like a lot, alot... As you can tell, I have a way with words. In fact I don't know if you noticed but that drive to the Chelsea Bloom was one of the most challenging drives of my life. I kept catching sight of you when looking back in my rear view mirror. You were just so distracting. I kept catching a glance of you and kept thinking to my self "My god, my god, she's simply stunning". I was so certain we were going to crash. I think you're so incredibly and unbelievably intoxicating. I feel drunk around you... even when we're not drinking. I've told you this many times before, but I'll say it again, you make me feel safe to step out of "the box" and to "live life". You know when I resigned from my job, you were the first person I told? I just HAD to tell you. Honestly, you were the only person I really cared telling and the things you said to me validated why I wanted to tell you. I think you're fascinating. I like the way you think, the way you see the world and the way you treat others. The more I learn about you, the more I come to like the nuances and quirks that make you, you. There isn't a thing you do or a thing you've done that makes me see you differently. The way I feel about you feels organic, genuine and authentic. I like you for you. All of you. With that said, there is something I haven't told anyone but I'm gonna tell you, so I hope you'll understand or at least try to. I don't really like myself at this moment. But I don't want you to mistake this for me not loving myself because I truly do, I just don't like this version of myself I've become. Over the past 3 years I've been so preoccupied with providing for those around me. From putting my life on hold so my mom can get her's back on track to limiting my own financial potential and ambition to ensure my brother has a home for him and his family. I don't regret these choices, however, because they're choices that represent me to the letter. I'll never hestiate to sacrifice for the people I love. I don't expect that to ever change and I know it never will, but in the process of prioritising and providing for others, I've neglected myself - physically, spiritually and emotionally. So I'm in a place in my life where I'm wanting and craving to put myself first for once, and so, I'm doing just that. I'm taking a pay cut to do work that's going to nourish my soul and free me up to find the version of "me" I like again. I'm taking a chance on myself; starting quite a few business ventures to accelerate my earnings potential. I'm finally prioritising my health both mentally and physically. The way I feel about you means I would need to take you, dating and a potential "this" seriously, and I just dont have the tools emotionally in this moment to do "serious" justice. When I'm serious about someone, I'm ******* serious. It's something I consider both a blessing and in some ways a fault. I'd spend every moment of every day wondering and putting into action what more I can do to bring a little more spice and security into your life rather than enriching my own and I simply can't do both at this moment...at least not right now... and so I won't. It's the reason I sometimes feel conflicted around you and I sometimes wonder if you can sense it too. If there is one thing I want you to really take away from all of this, it is the following: I want you. The way I feel about you runs bone deep. And what's hard is I've always been the type of person to go and get what I want but on this occasion I've had to put those instincts on hold. So if you've felt the way I feel about you, and feel some way about me too, I want you to know it's true and that these are the reasons I haven't pursued you. It's not because I'm afraid to tell you, it's not because you're not worth pursuing, it's because I thought if I told you how I feel it'd be unhelpful and unnecessarily complicate things. I find myself daydreaming wondering how you would take this, what you would say, if you'd tell me you feel a way about me too, how that would make me feel, if it would matter and what it would mean for the dynamic we already have. Either way, I'm glad you know how I feel - I'm glad you know the truth. While I may be perfectly comfortable burying my feelings or biting my tongue, I will never be comfortable lying to you, so I won't and I haven't. What do you want to do now that you know the truth about how I feel about you?