A letter from Jun 05, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hi! I'm really bad at this and I never really write anything interesting in these. However, now it isn't freshman year and I have a lot going for me. If anything has changed please let me know. There is a heavy burden on my heart and I'm hoping by the time that I receive this letter it will be gone. As you know, relationship are really hard for me. I never know when to draw the line or to give a little. And maybe its easier for you now, as you have more life experience, but I am not as good as I would've wanted, because it feels frustrating sometimes. Really I just feel like a bad person. But I guess I can't be a doormat for long. A stepping stone can't be used for stepping if its buried under deep water. Or maybe that analogy wouldn't work. But you would know what I meant by that. I'm having trouble right now. Its gotten so bad I've resorted to using AI and despite my anti-AI stance (I guess I should loosen up on that) I found it quite helpful, which is understandable as people on the internet that tend to give advice or therapy or resources or whatever tend to be quite kind so it made sense to me. That's sort of strange how the AI just spits back and amalgamation of millions of voices to me to help me with my problems. Which is sort of cool, like a million strangers caring or something. Strange I know. Maybe like a sort of soffocatingly warm hug. I don't know. It was sort of nice. I want to see teh guidance councilor though, but I'm always to nervous to knock or even go in. I'm sure she thinks me weird by how much I stand outside her window (which you know, is pretty big) and just stare at her debating if I should knock. That in itself is a bit strange, maybe an lol if you would maybe set aside how kind of sad and weird that is. I'm sure normal people would just knock. I've never been to a councilor before, did you know that? Yes! I did because I am writing this letter to myself. Maybe If I can't do it by junior year, somewhere before the end of senior year that goal will be accomplished. I feel bad talking about my friend because I don't know, you just don't do that to friends. Can I be honest with you? I feel like I've grieved them a while ago. Like they've been dead a while and I've just been trying to revive a wilted flower. I don't know. And there's another friend, who is also confusing but not the main thing. Anyways, tell me if the problem ever gets resolved? Maybe I grow some and man up. I plan to talk to them on Friday, but say what? Hey, I'm really tired and overburdened please get help! Like what? I don't know, I'd feel bad. A few months ago the little alarm bells started to ring because these were unusual behaviors somewhat and I feel like I only ignored it because I valued him as my friend but like I think maybe I should've listened to my gut more. That's funny how I always say that and end up never doing it. It's kinda funny. My gut says I should listen to my gut but I end up never doing it haha. Or maybe not so much. Every time they spoke about their problems it was strange because they would blame everyone else but themselves and they were aware of it but they said it was just the truth and a fact. And I said "well its his family and I'm never there, you should always believe your friends because what they feel is what they feel no matter if false." So despite thinking sheesh this guy is a bit of a narcissist I moved on and I didn't really think anything of it. But then they started talking about the school choir, and I was like huh maybe everyone just hates him. But I know a lot of these people, many of whom are pretty decent human beings. But I took his word because that's what a good friend is supposed to do I've heard. And I dunno I played a long with it and listened. It's strange though that when I had something to say, I never felt like he was really listening. And every time I would spill my guts it seemed like he would barely listen, he wasn't even there which is crazy. I'm ripping my shirt continuously to stop your bleeding, but when I'm bleeding you won't even look in my direction, let alone help me. I think maybe its just me and I'm misunderstanding everything. I realized maybe I might be misunderstanding when I told my other friend I felt his compliments were backhanded, and they said they didn't see it as that but as sweet. So maybe I really am the problem. Anyways I don't understand what any of this means. He has lately gotten himself into more heat because of his work ethic. Which was really my tipping point because he never does his work, or maybe he does and I just don't see, and I don't mind helping people. I actually love helping, I love tutoring. But when he asks for help, it isn't help, its teach me everything in a way I'll understand. Then he gets mad when I can;t explain it to him in a way he understands. Then if I "treat him like a baby" because that's just how I dumb things so that you can better understand, he also gets upset. I really hate teaching him and helping him. That is why I avoid him in classes that he struggles with because I know he's going to ask me for help. And asking for help is never wrong but the bestest thing he has ever done is ask the teacher for help. I was so relieved, it was tech stupidest thing ever, to be relieved someone is asking help from their teacher, but ya know it happen which I think kinda made me start to question a lot of things. There is no way the whole world is against you and everyone hates you, ya know? It's kinda strange. I don't know if this is narcissism or what but its definitely strange. However, my biggest fear is that he will harm himself. Maybe you haven't read it in a while, but if you look far far back to maybe when I first started grieving (strangely I feel like my mourning period has ended and I'm sort of tired and maybe fed up--but fed up doesn't feel like the right words) you'll find a poem that I (and maybe you) almost never read because it sort of hurts to just read. Which it crazy. Because the night I wrote it is no vivid to me. You would know, I don't cry but I cried that night. Not full out bawling my eyes out, because I like never do that, but ya know it was big for me. Well, maybe you wanna read that because I remember it while writing that first sentances down. Also, its sort of insane, no? To have to write so many painful poems about someone. Maybe that should've been a sign of something. But I wouldn't know, I don't have many friends, you would know. You do remember that poem don't you? I think.. I actually don't know what to think. And just as I avoid that poem in my phone, I will avoid thinking about it via writing. Anyways, maybe revisit it. That is crazy though, how many poems I've written. Has he written anything like that for me? Positive or negative. Not that I want people to write about me, I sort of find it weird which I why I don't tell anyone about those poems, but am I in his head like that, ya know? Sometimes I feel like he doesn't actually want me to be his friend. I'm like a rebound. He lost his best friend of who knows how long and I'm here so I guess he has someone to talk to. But he's always talking about missing his friendship and reminiscing--and I hope he realizes he can't move forward if he's so stuck looking back-- and whatever he always says it right in front of me which wouldn't be bad, I get missing someone, its just teh sheer frequency of those thoughts. How are we mid hang out and you're wishing that you were still friends with that guy? Like hello? I'm right here. Maybe its like people that close their eyes during *** and imagine another people is sleeping with them. And frankly it really sucks because dang. I am literally bleeding out for you and you don't even notice? You just long for the person before me. Like dang. What am I even doing all this for if you don't even want me to be your friend? I don't know what else to write. If I even went to the councilor, what would I even say? There's probably far worse problems. Maybe she'd laugh and be like oh honey what trivial little worries. Oh! I remember what I was trying to write w the poem thing. I fear that if I share my grievances with him he will harm himself. You know this, not just because I already wrote it, but because you were there. I remember him telling me that on the say he was going to SH I stopped him by talking him out of it. He said he was relieved for not doing it. A few months later he tried ODing on his pain *******. :/ This was recent actually. Hey! Its now almost 10pm and I just remembered to finish this. Do you remember embarrassingly spilling your guts to J? Because I do I just did it. She takes a bit to answer and maybe shes sleeping but really I just need someone. Maybe Im no better than him. What am I supposed to do though? I have no one to tell this to. Im actually going to lose my mind. This is why I always say that I am better off being alone. "Better to have loves and lost than never to have loved"? Well bud, I barely remember anything good that happened. I have horrible memory. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. How silly is this? Venting over the internet. And to my future self. Tell me how it goes. I want nothing more than a bullet hitting my cranium. But oh! what a hypocrite I would be to **** myself, don't you think? Well I think. I wish I was normal. Why can't I feel anything? WTF is wrong with me? Do you ever get help or anything in the future, please tell me that you do?! Tell me what is wrong with me, with you, us. I am so in depserate need for a guide. I feel so bad every time he would tell me something, I am no better. I am no better. I am no hero. I am no saint. What can I do? What do I do? It is like the blind leading the blind. How can I help him, anyone for that matter, if I can't even help myself!? WHAT IS WRONNNNNGG WITH MEE!.!?.?? Why must I only think my emotions, why can I not feel anything? WHy can I barely think? Why are there walls everywhere? And why can't I break them down? Dammit how cant I help myself? How cant I break down my own go*** walls? What is wrong with me. Future me, or anyone reading, you may find me overdramatic. To which I will say yes. Yes. Apparently emotions are deeper as a teenager or something. They are firsts and they seem to be all you have. I am actually so stupid and like the worse person ever. Stupid hormones. Stupid stupid stupid. This sucks. This really sucks. This really really sucks. Geez. Hey, on a brighter note, Will Grayson Will Grayson is a great book, an excellent form of escapism. I hope everything gets better. I hope everything is fixed. I don't want to even start on the topic of college. Do something ref! Take me out. FIx it all please. Fix me, us, you. Fix this. Fix something. DO something. Signed, Y.S. Class of 2026 Written on: 06/05/2025 3rd Period on the last Thursday of Junior Year (Happy Pride Month--if that even exists in the future)