A letter from Jun 05, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I have nothing positive to say. I feel just as stuck as I felt back in 2024, just as tired, just as confused and alone. I miss who I used to be, scared but doing it anyway. Now I just let myself wallow and don’t really have a way of pulling myself out. I’m still afraid, still chasing after people who don’t want me, and probably never really did. I still haven’t figured out what that’s about. What great big childhood wound is still following me around. I’m so ******* tired and i’m not even doing anything. Mimi and K keep reminding me that I’m catching up on all the rest I missed, but now it’s just like I’m using sleep to occupy my days. I don’t miss that ******* job and those ******* people and that godawful ******* music. But i miss having somewhere to go, something to do outside of myself. The vague possibility of SOMETHING happening. I’m so desperate i might join the army. Jk never that, thank them for their service though. I just feel like a ghost in my own life. Which is funny because no one seems to notice that. They all think i’m doing fine. I guess i’ve gotten good at pretending after a whole lifetime of doing it. Having to be the “good example” when you’re feeling all scrambled up inside will really do a number on a kid. I don’t even know what the point of this is. Just to get my thoughts out I guess? I wish I could say I hope things are better for you, but I think I’ve grown too realistic to believe that. Unfortunately the bad guys always win and the good guys scrape their dead off the streets and wait to be attacked again. Sorry if that’s too pessimistic, you’re probably dealing with yet another **** storm. “Dear No One” by Tori Kelly just popped into my head. I think as jaded as I get, a teeny part of me still hopes for some connection. The lack of which just keeps me sad and it’s such a cycle. I love my friends but I refuse to **** them. And I can’t marry them. What a joke life is. I’m over it. Oh hilariously enough, a doctor told me I achieved too much to have adhd. HA! What a joke. I guess i’m destined to just suffer my whole life through. I must’ve been quite the menace in my past lives to be living like this. So untethered, so cloudy, so dark. And nobody sees. I don’t want anybody to see. Except one person maybe. We can see each other’s darkness and hold it, even just for a little while. Share the burden, act like it doesn’t exist when we’re together. Or does that only happen to hot people or in books? Anyway. Off the rails this goes. Favorites lately are Blue Bloods, those frozen sour grapes, our trader joe’s usuals, that screws puzzle game and township, and “the seven year slip”. Thanks Libby. I love you and you’re screwed. Keep going, or don’t. The world keeps turning anyway. Yours always, JD