A letter from Jun 05, 2025

and after that message that break us, i'm trying so hard not to get too close again and fix it all over again, and i force ny self to not disturb you anymore. not because i don't want to, not because i don't love you anymore but because i know that sometimes, silence is the only thing left to give. i've already said what i needed to say. i've reached out, left my words and catch your hurtful wods, and accept that we can never fix it again. and hanging between us like a bridge that you may or may not ever choose to cross, to the point the you will choose to take a different bridge just to never cross our path again, not just because i don’t want to just because i don’t want to being reminder of you again of how cruel i am and being the worst girl that you’ve ever met. i can do is step back, hold onto and take all the blame, the pain, whatever happens, i don’t want to explain just to fix and be heard anymore. i need to left, and also you need yourself so i won’t be selfish, i really tried so hard to let you go and not messaging you again. but it's not easy. it's not easy when my fingers itch to type out another message, when my heart races at the thought of seeing your name light up my screen. and stalk you to know what you feel, if you’re okay, if there’s someone. it's not easy when my mind keeps replaying the past, wondering if there was something more i could have done, if i can beg you to listen and to love you more and to love me again. maybe i act like a strong, like what’s going on, lost what i’ve lost, but believe me i still can’t but i won’t call, because my gone is the answer for all your questions, the silence is the thing that make you feel it’s worth to leave her. it’s not easy when every part of me still longs for the comfort of your presence, the sound of your voice, the familiarity of everything we used to be. the laughter when we’re together. the love when we look at each other. the presence that even we didn’t do anything its feels like good. seeing you again after a weeks or days make me flattering because i do miss you always but i’m not that showy. and i love when i first saw you for the first time, your eyes sparkling like all i feel is a love, when the first time we hang out the eyes is innocent, the laughter and even the sound of how we talk, i remember when how i used to talk to you when we’re together back then pabebe hahaha, the first time we play badminton, the first time you saw me tired because of it that almost i can’t breathe, and i remember when you scared to take off your mask, but thankful im proud that i get rid of your habit, now you can go out without them, i want to remind you of how handsome you are, your personality makes you feel more lovable, you are loved by me, that’s why don’t hide again someone will accept you like what i did, because why? why they will not accept you? right, so don’t be scared again because i do love you. I’ve learned so much with you, you taught me so much in love even in life, that life is hard but when someone is there by your side you can’t feel the tiredness even the heavyness, just one text, i miss you, i love you make our life feel better again and bring us again the spark that we lost earlier. just remind us of how we love each other. i didn’t ask you to stay, i just left without any words because for me it’s the best for us. you didn't ask me any thing i just left and wish that its for the better, that one thing is i didn’t regret anything that we do. i wish things were different, i refuse to be the person who forces their presence where it's no longer wanted. when its no longer love. so i stay quiet. i fight the urge to send another message, to ask how you are, to tell you that i still care. instead, i learn to sit with the silence. i learn to carry my feelings alone without the need for a response. i learn to let my love exist without wishing to come back and pls message me again, without the hope that you'll suddenly turn around and realize you still love me too. i know its not coming yet but i know i will still think of you in the little moments. when i hear a song we used to listen to, and i know even when i pass by a place we once visited, and seated, when i see something that i know would make you laugh. when i see some memes in fb but i can’t send you again, when i saw relatable tiktok, motivational, i wonder if you ever have those moments too or if you already choose to faded from your world completely.