A letter from Feb 10, 2025

I just really envisioned being done with this struggle a while ago but.... Years ago I thought to myself, "it'll happen soon". "I've been alone for so long, someone will come along soon". These thoughts in my head have just been on constant repeat for almost 10 years. I'm thirty ******* one and I haven't had a long term relationship. If I'm as "great" as my friends and family say I am then what the **** is the problem. People say "it'll happen" or "manifest it". I'm ******* trying and I'm so frustrated. I want to start a family and I want to start the next chapter of my life. But at the same time I want to enjoy a relationship with someone like traveling and getting to know them without feeling the pressure and time crunch. If I meet someone now then yeah sure I get to do that. But if this continues for 3, 5, even 10 years before I meet someone then I'm going to be consumed with wanting to settle down so I can get my family started. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. But first I want to be a girlfriend, fiance, I want to fully enjoy each of those stages of my life like all my other friends got to. I know nobody gets to have it all but it really does feel like that.