A letter from May 31, 2025

It’s 1 am on a weekend. Im in my bed and with the window open. There isn’t silence, there is city silence, I love it. Mix of wind, fast cars and muffled music. It makes me feel an unexplainable way. As I listen to it, my thoughts start floating around, and I begin to imagine another world, another universe. Sometimes I wish I could be there, some place where I’m living my life to the fullest and not having time to worry about useless thoughts. I imagine someone with me, I think it’s my soulmate. My mind makes me believe it could potentially be someone who just rocks by too, but we would still remember each other. I begin to think It’s the life I’m supposed to be living, like it’s somewhere almost a decision away. So close yet so far, maybe on the wrong road already. I am not good at making big and fast decisions. Every decision in my life has been slow and overthought. I think physical existence matters a lot, it’s how you connect with someone, and if there is a wall in between that, then it’s easy to forget and walk away. It’s like I’m counting days in hopes the things sabotage themselves, because I am too weak to do anything myself. I worry how I would go on without it. I believe in faith, normally things will go their way when they are supposed to. Sometimes faith pushes you to make that decision, but how can I trust it? I wanna peak into the future to see, if that’s really what I want. I don’t want to leave the things I love so dearly behind, what if it eats me from the inside and I will experience forever nostalgia from that one night when I was 18 and stupid. Im myself an example how people can say one thing, but think something completely else. I wonder how many times someone has lied to me that way. It would make me disappointed, but how, when my own thoughts are already crossed grounds that they shouldn’t have. It’s sometimes so perfect and calm, but that begins to bore your brain and you crave for something that you would remember as your bright change. You want it to go down hill so bad, you bring up old problems that do nothing, but set things in stone. I just want you to be here, not there, here. I don’t wanna to leave you there. If I don’t know what I want, then please tell me what you want, before I do something we both don’t want.