A letter from May 25, 2025

Hey, In Pensacola right now. we’re driving back in the morning. For you, in October, Alexander will be in Washington and you’ll be graduated and should be working and paying rent and all that. I’ve been feeling so dim and aimless lately, but those feelings are also coupled with a paralyzing sense of urgency. I can’t let go of the creeping fear that there’s some requirement that I need to graduate that I won’t know about until it’s too late, and it will set me back another semester. I’m scared that I will in fact graduate and then spend the rest of my new adulthood overwhelmed with nostalgia, wishing I could be back in school again and romanticizing how lonely and meaningless it often felt in reality. I still haven’t gotten a job, and that just feels embarrassing. It’s probably not quite as embarrassing as it feels. But I hate having to spend money on anything, knowing I have no income right now. And it’s embarrassing that I quit panera in December when I could’ve just worked less hours. I had intended it get another job, but my course load was so much more than I anticipated. But you know all of this already, obviously. it’s just not as fresh. I just hope you’re okay. I hope you have a job that pays decent. I hope you have your degree and don’t miss school too much. Just a little is okay. I hope that those days, when you wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, your first and last thoughts arent full of fear or hopelessness or echoing with a strange numbness. October isn’t so far away, but I know a lot can change, and a lot can stay the same, so I just hope you’re okay. I don’t have astronomically high hopes. I think they’re of a decently medium height. I think they’re achievable. I’m trying, I promise. Not perfectly. I keep getting late penalties on my assignments for British Literature. But I’m applying to so many jobs and trying so hard to be reasonable and not overdramatic. I delete the trashy apps and read more. I try to help. I’m going to start volunteering this Wednesday. I want to feel okay. It’s just that I still don’t feel very motivated. I do feel that strange numbness. Even when I want something, that want, that desire, feels distant from me, like I know it’s mine but I’m seeing it through glass and I can’t quite wrap my hands around what wanting it feels like. Why I want it or how I want it, and I can’t get anywhere close to how I’m going to go about getting it. And I just feel faintly sleepy, even when I’m wide awake. It gets to the point where I wonder again if there’s something wrong with me. If I’m a sociopath or a narcissist. But I think they’re symptoms that could be something else. And I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t think talking about it helps. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. Remember October of last year? That period of two weeks, maybe more, of just the darkest feeling of depression. like nothing mattered. like i was a lost cause or something. sometimes I think about it and wonder what triggered it. or if i always have it in my head and I’m just better at ignoring it most of the time. I hope I don’t sound too dramatic or bleak. I really, really want to leave. I feel like I need to move out. I need to get out of this state. Out of this place, this state of mind too that I’m living in. I have this idea that if I changed it, I would wake up somehow and find some part or version of myself that I’ve been looking for, and it’ll be the biggest relief I’ve ever felt. I hope you’re having a good October. I hope you’re having a good hair day, for kicks. Maybe try something new. I’m thinking of going shorter. I picture you, wearing a nice outfit I don’t have yet, walking through a grocery store or something, buying dark chocolate, bagels, and cheese. Probably still driving that half-ancient camry. You’re probably still living at home, which is okay. Don’t feel bad about that. I just hope the traffic isn’t completely harrowing…But let’s be realistic. Anyway. Just remember to take it easy, drink water, moisturize, go to bed at a decent time, read, talk to people, all that ****. You know. I want a promise that it’ll be okay, but I think maybe I just need to be a little bolder. if that makes sense. go places. enjoy being the age that you are. or something like that. I love you. -Liv P.S.: song: Powers by boygenius?? The Background or Motorcycle Drive By have you seen?: Heavenly Creatures Have you read?: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn? you should: -buy a film camera -a keyboard/piano or electric guitar -try going to the gym? -go to a flea market or something 🖤🖤🖤