A letter from May 23, 2025

Dear FutureMe, im in a very bad place. i hope a year from now, im in a better place where i live free from these thoughts in my mind that are constantly holding me captive. i dont know yet but i think i might have a disease or god forbid cancer. its the first time ive admitted that. i havent told my parents or anyone. i hope i dont have anything, even if i do however, i wont tell them. theyre struggling a lot with financial problems i think, and i lowkey dont want to add on to that. it would be better if im not there anyways. less college and school expenses, less disappointment, less depression facades i pull every now and then. i dont wanna die but i so badly want to. im pulling myself into extreme self destruction. i dont know what i have but like i dont wanna get diagnosed for something because i just know that it will ruin me even more. im so sorry to all the people ive disappointed. im so sorry mom and dad for not becoming the daughter you wanted me to be. i love you so much. none of this is youre fault really, its just that constant bickering in my mind that stops me from sleeping and keeps me thinking about the most useless things in life, like this. im sorry i didnt reach for help, i hate the pity. deep in my heart, these words are for me, not for anyone else. i just want to be free from this. ill never be free from my brain unless i die, which i dont want to happen, but i dont know. its bad, i think. i wanna write my own book; my journal specifically. its the only thing keeping me sane haha. ill name it something deep. something only i know; ozlem for example. my ozlem. ill reveal what that means in the epilogue of my book. it will talk about the struggles, the relief, every feeling ive ever felt. another perspective people can be aware of. ill probably be laughing at this, calling myself stupid for over reacting. its not stupid. i hope i know that it was hard living now. its only an exception if i am in worse place next year, which god forbid im not. it was nice talking. i hope i find my ozlem. May 23rd, 2025 15:40 ill get through this, i promise.