A letter from May 21, 2025

Dear FutureMe, May 19 was the day of your last mikvah on the beach. You have the sunburn and a couple of seashells to commemorate the occasion. The plan was to stop smoking and drinking. So far you're on track for the first thing, but George Wendt (the guy who played Norm from Cheers) passed away and I'm bad at following my own advise. On the way home from work I debated so many things and came to the conclusion that I was going to go home, eat the leftovers, and have a beer in his name of Friday for Shabbat. His ***** had a bigger impact on me than I could have imagined. In a lot of ways I see myself reflected in the character. I'm out of shape, but still look more or less put together. You can tell efforts were at least made. I have a sarcastic sense of humor and I tend to fall short of my potential, often too scared of the great unknown to even try. For example there was the episode where he really got going painting houses and due to lack of failure he ended up calling it quits. At least he gave it a try. I have similar fears- probably stemming from how Mom was when she left my dad. There was always such a fear of not having enough money. That is one of the main reasons I never really tried to get into any kind of artistry. There is way too much uncertainty when it comes to income. When people want your business it's great, but when they don't, and when things are tight earnings suffer. While I don't exactly love my job, it allows for a steady and reliable income. Anyway.... By the time I got home Josh was instant on pizza, and if was going to screw up anyway, I might as well go big or go home. I should have stayed home. The pizza was unremarkable and the bar was the same as it always was and we ended up fighting because Josh wanted to go to Bruce's house and I really wanted to avoid that till I was a more confident in my ability to keep up my very short streak. Of course I failed to communicate that well and things only got worse from there. I owe Josh a sincere apology tonight. He started trying to sleep in the living room last night and things weren’t right this morning either. I’ve been so focused on the fact that I drank that I completely ignored the part that was bothering him. I’ve been focusing on the cause to effect part, but he needs the validation that his feelings were hurt too. I hurt my own feelings and need to work that out with myself, but my relationship with Josh is just as important. On the way into work I stopped at Dodges for gas and ended up getting breakfast sandwiches. When I left the house I had already made the plan in my head to have yogurt and be smart about things, but I was so deep into auto-pilot that I went in and got breakfast for Vicky and I. I’m glad that she enjoyed it and all but when I sat back down in my car I was mad at myself. Again I did something in autopilot. I think that makes up a majority of my problems- running in autopilot and just going with the motions. The deeper I let myself dig into that, it was probably some kind of coping mechanism as a kid. I remember hearing Dad’s voice in my head “Think kid!” You can’t get hurt if you never really have to think about what’s being said or what’s going on. Well that’s not a very good way to live. I have told Josh about really needing to enforce some method akin to a pause button- especially with my mouth, but I think just about everything has been on autopilot. That explains why I keep getting this kind of front desk job. Once I figure out the ropes in a month or 2, about 80% can be done in autopilot. Air traffic control was like that to a point too. I need to find something to jolt me out of it and get me to really thing before I speak or make any decision, really. I think I want to get a tassel to put on my belt loop, kind of like what is on a tallit “You shall make yourself tassels on the four corners of your garment with which you cover yourself.”-Deuteronomy. I could try and make a habit of using that as a way to ground myself and snap back to reality. It’s a small thing, but it can’t hurt. Doing nothing about it clearly has not made things better. I’ve recently started reading Chasing Cupcakes by Elizabeth Benton, and I think it’s going to help me a lot. I’m going to take this seriously and already have a list of improvements and goals. I’m going to be taking this slowly and not move on until I have really gotten uncomfortable and then comfortable in a step. Unfortunately turning it into autopilot is what I need to make it work. The first part is called The Hard Road and discussed how there’s always a choice, and more often than not the easier choice is the better on, you just forgot that there were other choices to be made rather than following the terrible patterns that got you right where you are anyway. Last night I made the easy choice to not spend any money and go home, rather than visit the bar and having pizza. Yesterday (before I found out about Norm’s *****) I wrote out specifically: “Technically, its easier to not pick up the drink/food than to do it. If I find something more worthwhile to do along the way, even better. I’m taking a couple of days to focus on taking the easy path- It’s easier/cheaper not to drink/make anything more complicated than a salad.” This won’t be the case 100% of the time, especially when it comes to food, but trying to keep that in mind more often, especially for lunches has got to help. I am so mad at myself for writing this yesterday and ******* it up so quickly. This is beginning to run long, but I want to add one more thing from Chasing Cupcakes. Even earlier on there’s a list of questions and I want to include my anwers. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be done with the initial run through this book, or maybe I’ll be working on it surely but slowly. A few days ago I answered the below questions as follows (bearing in mind that there’s limited space in the physical book, so they may be brief, but I want to keep this authentic: What is in the way? Many pounds and a long history/habit of drinking , a fear of putting real effort in and having it be for naught, focusing too much on the end result rather than process and education What do you need to let go of? Fear of failure & other peoples’ opinions What are you afraid to let go of? My sarcastic armor Why are you afraid? It has served me well enough I think, especially with Mom How will you benefit from letting go of those things? I can become someone worth being proud of What will you do about it today? Stay sober, do what I know is right, stop being so lenient on myself when the answers are easy, discipline Are you already rushing through these questions? I don’t think so Why? I’m taking the time to do this right Do you want to cut corners in the pursuit of creating a life you love? Of course, but clearly that doesn’t work What will you do differently while reading this book to ensure that you create changes instead of merely accumulating information? Focus on the changes. There is no rush on this process and I will allow myself weeks if I need to on a step until I get it right. I will speak more gently to make my thoughts so and less judgy. I will try to take a Jordan Peterson approach to what is in here. I will try to remember that it is better to be good than it is to be funny. I will find better things to do than drink and visit fewer places where that’s even an option I will take the Jewish approach that it is better to do good things with mediocrity than it is to be mediocre really well. I could keep going on, but I think that is enough for now. I think this is a good opportunity to journal and move forward, so there may be quite a few more of these emails in the future. This will not be my first futureme email from this desk at WaterSound beach, and certainly not my last, but maybe by the time I start reading them I will have come a long way, one way or another. May this email find you well, and take good care of yourself. Past me is counting on the fact that you’re doing a bang up job already. Love Elianna Starting Today