A letter from May 19, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Well, I don't know how I'll be in a year, but I hope I'll be better than today. I also don't know if Kuba, aka Vodka, and I will still be friends, even though I really want to be. Today I'm very upset with myself, because as St. Paul said: "I don't do the good I want, but the evil I don't want, that I do. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from the body of this *****?". And I always say: "I'll change", but I never do, and that makes me angry with myself, which isn't fair, I know. I make the same mistake over and over again, always wanting to change. But what's the point of wanting to if I don't do anything about it? Apart from these and other small personal problems, which we all have, I'm doing reasonably well. I've been without a cell phone since September, and I thought that would help me, but I don't seem to have changed at all! And that's the worst thing: doing, doing and doing, but not getting anywhere. It's like trying to swim up a waterfall. My social circle is fine, but I feel distant from my cousin, whom I consider a sister. I don't know what happened, but again it's a situation where I blame myself, saying: "You see, Gabriel? It's your fault, because you being an idiot made you walk away from the ones you love". I think I'm too hard on myself for the past I've been through, of not wanting to disappoint anyone I love. And I've been charged by others, too, which isn't a bad thing, but you can see the consequences. I love the people I care about so much... But nobody knows that. My image is of someone serious, unflappable, strong, courageous, indestructible, but deep down... Deep down, I'm just a person full of flaws, mistakes, secrets, and feelings. I feel things very easily, which allows me to feel the good feelings more strongly, as well as the bad ones. As I said, no one knows how much I love each of my friends. I may not show it in words, because my form of love isn't words. If I stay close, spend time with someone, be sure: I care about you and probably love you a lot, almost more than members of my family. My way of loving is this: quality time, small compliments and gestures, service and gifts, which I spend my money to buy whenever I can. And in case you didn't know, I'm saving money to buy my new cell phone, since that was the consequence my parents gave me for getting a cell phone again. And yet I don't ponder whether it will affect me or not, I just do it. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's me. I think that's what I have to say to you. Get out of this ****** little world, Gabriel. Change. Grow. You deserve more. I hope for changes in this one year, because I don't know what else I can do to change my life. Love, Gabriel