A letter from May 19, 2025

Dear FutureMe, after graduation and having a job i thought i will be happy, but that's not that easy. After graduation, I am 23 yrs old and i push myself to find my first job ever, because in my mind that if i get a job and having my own money will makes me happy. I also imagine that if i work far to my parents i will also be happy because me and my father is not in good term, so i want to go far away from him, so i apply to a job far away from them luckily i was accepted to my first job and i remember i was so happy because finally I'm free. So i start Oct 2 2024, my first day went good but i was so nervous but, well its actually normal when its your first day, but days past i also found a dorm to stay with. So days past, i really thought i will be happy but oh boy i was so wrong. Every time i went to work i feel something in my stomach, its hard to breath, and every time i come home to my dorm i will always cry all night, is it homesick? or anxiety? At work i don't have someone to talk to i was alone, i don't know how to socialize because i was rise being introvert. My childhood trauma affecting my job. Then there's this people who want me to be like them where having a family is happier, so they always ship me to my co worker and that co worker always makes me anxiety attack, i feel discomfort inside my stomach and i hate the feeling. He was kind but i don't like him, i feel something that is not right with him, and to add on i am not yet ready for relationship because i want to focus on my career and myself but people in my work always insist me to have before its to late, they say i will never be happy if i focus on my career and makes me stress, i know i should not listen to them and just avoid them, but its hard. My coworkers are kind to me but i always feel something uneasy inside my stomach and it makes me cry every night. I think there is something wrong with me or is it them? i don't know. So i resign after 4 months because i think i was not ready yet. There is also a guilt because i need a job but i just want to stop the uneasy feeling inside me. after that i rest but i feel so bored and all my friends already has a job and me i am jobless but i am also afraid to go back to work, what if it happened again? the uneasy feeling? but i applied again even i am scared to try a again. Again the anxiety come back. i get anxiety every time i socialize especially to men and my boss is a men and makes me very uncomfortable. is it because i don't have good term to my father or is it just me? because to be honest the time me and my father start the distancing to each other my perspective to all the man are bad, so when i interact to a men, i get uncomfortable. So im in this middle of situation, i dont know what to do.