A letter from May 17, 2025

Dear future me, I'm writing this on a random Saturday. I have so many questions I want to ask you, but first, I want to remind you who I am right now. I have to admit, I feel really confused—not worried, just confused—about everything. About life, the universe. I’ve always felt this way, but now I’m 20, and it feels real. I’m planning to study Economics and Management (what’s the deal with that now?). Clearly, economics isn’t really my field, but I’ve decided to look at my career not as something that defines me, but as a stage I act on. Plus, it’s a field with more opportunities to earn, so that’s already a bonus for me. I hope you’re living on your own. As much as I love my parents, I really believe living alone is necessary. Do you still look good? I kind of feel like a kid writing all this… it sounds weird. Do you feel free? Sometimes I have this strong urge to leave everything behind and run off to some random island, with a falling-apart car, just to feel free. No worries. No overthinking. Just diving into the ocean and disappearing into the foam. I’m a bit scared. Not of the future or the past—but of the present. I’m scared because I’m starting to see the world with fewer and fewer filters. Are you still like that? I think it’s a gift, but also kind of frightening. Have you learned how to handle it? I truly hope you're happy, that you feel successful. That you're expressing yourself. I know 10 years feels like a lot, but I know I’ll read this one day (if I’m still alive…). I wonder… did I end up ending my life? Honestly, it seems like a pretty solid plan—rather than wasting all that money on school and “a future,” why not just travel the world while I’m young and then… die young, forever? That thought always keeps me stuck between life and *****. I’m so young. Is this the time to give up? Or is something still waiting for me? Even if I travel the entire world… then what? Keep living through endless distractions until I die naturally? People always say “What about love?” “What about kids?” “You’ll find meaning, just wait.” But they don’t get it. Someone like me doesn’t really belong here. It’s hard for me to be shallow when I’m always looking for depth. The behind-the-scenes of the world. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about all the suffering that exists out there. I try to believe that we’re all fragments of one shared consciousness, split into infinite bodies. But sometimes it’s hard to believe there’s anything beyond this. And that’s terrifying—but also comforting. Some nights, I go to sleep hoping I won’t wake up. Not because I’m suffering, but because I’m tired of the mask, tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything. Is that weakness or strength? And why do I feel this way? Anyway, I hope I didn’t ruin your mood. I swear I’m not depressed—I’m just going through some kind of existential crisis lately. You’re not alone. And I hope I don’t sound stupid. Before I go, I want to remind you of a few things: You don’t live for money. You live for moments. And if you have no one to share those moments with, find someone. Even if it’s just talking to Mom, eating ice cream with your siblings, traveling the world alone, thinking about random things, or just sitting quietly with yourself—letting yourself feel overwhelmed—you live for that. And maybe you don’t feel happiness the “normal” way, but you know how to find beauty in what’s broken. That’s your gift. Make it your reason to keep going. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep looking good. Stay clean. And never—ever—let your imagination die. Love, Past me, age 20