A letter from May 17, 2025

Hellur dear How are we? Im fantashtic! okay let me cut the ********. Dear Shianne, I hope you are well. I'm good meself. TIRED! but good. in bed right now. God what a year! Life is incredible but soooooo hard! :p Sorry my thoughts are incoherent. How do i condense so much into just a few words?? Hmm. And you know my memory is ****... Okay! So lets begin from the beginning of the second academic year. Summer - Started learning French. So difficult but such a beautiful and rewarding experience. I was working too, at that time, avec ma mere doing cleaning shtuff. Ha its coming back to me now. That hot hot summer. Coming home exhausted but still making time for French. I love that drive in you. Its very pretty. Anyways. September- That was a good month. Still warm. Still doing French but of course gradully less. I got good at it too, I could read it well. Still can though I suppose. Working on the Human Morality project. Thats a good one. October - Sudden depression. Stopped learning French. Felt overwhelmed. Remember this was the month of the Hamas attack. A lot of strong feelings from everyone. I felt sick at the injustice towards Palestinians and I let my empathy make me ill. During the summer I had it in my head I would learn French, study at Uni to be a teacher in English and then work abroad teaching English to French speaking students. It was a nice idea. One I was not fully sold on but its important to have goals. To establish oneself in her future. November - What a sad month! I spent the first half feeling scared to turn 18. I feared abandonment. I wasn't ready to be on my own. To fend for myself I never had. To be looked at my my mother as a money sucking pest haha. I couldn't find work and it stressed me out. I cried often. My mum and I shouted often. I could feel her contempt for me growing and it scared me to be honest. We were close during the summer, thats why. And I felt that my turning 18 would change that. December - It did. I was abandoned by her. All my fears came true. So what? I wasted a lot of time this month. And money too. I spent time around people that should have only ever got a smile out of me. I couldnt hack focusing on my project though, I ******* hated it lol. We all did. This was the month where I wouldn't stop ******* crying lol. Wake up - cry. Get ready for college - cry. Go outside and get overwhelmed - cry. Get on the bus - cry. You get it. I had to leave college often. I shouldn't stop crying. Aw but I remember my friends making me laugh so that I could briefly forget all about why I was so upset. I felt I lived in a dying and decaying world. And I do. And thats okaayyy. I think. I came into class one day and I wasn't doing any work and Hannah spoke sternly to me. She questioned me about my future. The last thing I wanted to think about. I stormed off to the bathroom and cried for some time. I came back and apologised and burst into tears again! We spoke and I told her it's hard to give a gaf about this ****** project when I dont even give a gaf about my life. Or summit liek that. She brought me to the counseler. Counseler said have you tried meds? Went to GP and said "meds please". Got given meds and despite the mental fog they cause me, I'm grateful. I mention that story because it was a pivotal moment. January - I remember spending a lot of time with Sammy during this month. A new friendship. I remember not bothering to finish my project until last minute. February - Project finished and somehow passed. Applied for Pershore College two hours before the deadline. Feeling hopeful about my future. Not just hopeful but learning to envision one. Cheers to Sammy for helping me. March - ??? Broke lol. Dead ******* broke. Hungry all the time :0 Job searching. April - Pershore open day which solidified my choice. Feel happy but also exhausted at the prospect of having to stay here with my family until September. So much tension. Oh yeah PTSD flashbacks. Like byadddd! Like hyperventilating in the shower bad. Flinching at clinking glass. Mentally ready for rest but knowing it's not coming for a long time. Excited about plans for uni though. May - The current month! Scrambling to finish this **** project! So exciting! So bittersweet to leave my lovelies at College. Yesterday, Ben and I were singing ultraviolence while doing our work. Realising this is really it 🥲. Oh well such is life. This month I read The Handmaids Tale And I'm reading Room with a View. I listen to these books while making my Dorset buttons. I'm really getting into sewing and can't wait to have my own space where I can really stuff making shtuff. Hopefully I get at least a merit!! ah. I'm so behind and there's only a week to go! But hopefully I'll make it. Love you lots. Be Good. See you :p Have fun at Pershore.