A letter from May 15, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hi. I hope and i pray you're doing better. im currently stuck in some type of self induced black hole. my heart and chest feels heavy. something is telling me i need a release and by release i mean to cry until i can't see anymore and its hard to breath. i dont usually feel this way. its not always that my brain is telling me "you just need to cry and you'll feel somewhat better". but im numb. i cannot pinpoint what im feeling. am i anxious? if so, about what? am i stressed? upset? angry? whatever it is i know its far far farrr away from 'happy'. that word seems to foreign to me know, like its lost its meaning. how does one really define 'joy'? if one is happy, does it mean they wake up everyday excited about what the day has to offer? they smile at everyone because they genuinely want too? they go out in nature and hang out with friends and family, because what? it makes them feel better? I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe not everyone wakes up in their own misery and get through the day in a constant state of dread. these feelings have got me so trapped that im finally starting to understand Stockholm syndrome. ive been locked in this state of despair and dread for so long... that i somehow found comfort in it? dare i say i've found peace with it? whatever it is.... all i know is that these stupid medications are not working. ******* 40mg prozac and 100mg wellbutrin. it feels like im just taking Tylenol for fun. i am the same and my brain is the same, if not more ****** up by now. i want to stop taking them. im hoping if i stop, it'll unblock the wall thats behind my emotions, and allow me to feel alittle. or just enough to make me cry for hours. this is genuinely what one would define as 'broken'. i am a broken piece of glass. im so broken and shattered, no amount of glue or glaziers can repair me. i am simply the piece of glass you sweep up in the dustpan and toss aside. the piece of glass that has not effect on you once its gone. how do i expect anyone to love me? i understand 16 year old me when she would tell everyone i did not want to get married. its not mainly because i considered my self 'ugly', its because ive known i'm broken and unable to repair since i was a little girl. i am 19 now and these feelings are making alot more sense now. how can i expect someone to care for me. for someone to enjoy my presence ? i am a black hole that brings a thundercloud everywhere i go. god forbid someone attempt to love me and get cut by my shattered glass pieces in the process. how is that far? how is that justifiable? how can i ask them to share a piece of their heart with me when i am the reason it broke? shouldnt it be my responsibility to fix it ? i am the perpetrator. im writing this and have still not shed a tear. which makes me scared because i know when my body does decide that its finally ready for release, its going to more intense and take everything in me. im already weak. how does a thin stick expect to stand against a hurricane? its impossible. i need to be the oak tree but something is preventing me from growing. and that something is me. i am the master of my habits. i am the enemy in my brain. i am the destroyer of my heart and soul. i hope that when you open this letter, your in a much better place than i am right now. i hope you learned how to be kind to yourself. i hope you learned how to be gentle with yourself and others. how to relax. how to breath and not be in a constant fight or flight mode. i hope you stopped fighting yourself and are able to accept that its not your fault and everything will be okay. i hope that maybe you find love (ik this one is a stretch). i hope you learn how to smile, not because your forced but because you want to. i hope you learned what joy means. i hope you learn how to appreciate everything around you, the sun, the leaves, the wind, flowers, nature in general. i cannot keep living like this. its getting harder by the day. its really really hard and draining. i dont know what i set myself up for but im scared if i continue being like this.. i could end up in bad situations.... like getting disowned or running away or finding myself in drugs. please do better.