A letter from May 13, 2025

Life's been pretty hectic this year. To say I have changed is an understatement. I don't feel the same anymore. I'm slowly becoming the woman I'm meant to be, and that is a win. I’ve let go of so much, spoken out for myself, and I am no longer tolerant, not holding back or staying in places/with people who make me feel small. I decided I won’t ever let these people make me feel like this and stood by that. I was becoming someone I did not recognize over the last few months; you could say it started in August of 2024. I slowly became so depressed, drinking 3-4 times a week, heavily, smoking weed every day, taking edibles to feel something just to get me through, and at times buying a cold can of Corona Michelada with a side of cigarettes. I was always sad about how unhappy I had become and how much I let myself go. I became bitter, did not care about my image, and was promoted to Regional HR Manager but wasn't excited about my own accomplishment. I thought if I had this position, it meant I was worthy. I felt worthless all the time. I stayed in relationships I should have left and always kept filling the void with a piece of “what if?” What if they see past the messed up person I am and still find me worthy enough for them to stay? I was very lonely; I felt it deep down. My depression got the best of me, and somehow I couldn’t get myself out of it no matter how hard I tried. I always felt that no one cared and wanted others to fill me one way or another. It was the only way I felt loved. I lacked self love, and I was not myself for a very long time. In that, I also recognized the need to have boundaries, to respect myself enough to know I have a problem and need to address the elephant in the room. I’ve become a functioning alcoholic, and I was in denial for a long time. I did not want to face my problems and thought that by avoiding them, it would all go away and somewhat get better. I felt lonely even with people I knew loved me and felt shame about how much I didn’t want to exist, and if only they knew. Eventually, I got tired of having to pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I don’t want to deal with anyone's ******** anymore, and I’m taking my power back. I told my mom how much I was struggling right after coming back from California. California was all I needed; it was my safe place, a place where I didn’t have to fake it, and I could be myself. There was a different life and version of myself that felt peace, knowing I never have to see or deal with certain people anymore and that it’s not always my job to fix everything when I’m the one who needs saving. I learned the need to let go and leave when something is no longer working or aligning. I’ve outgrown my environment, and certain people keep me small. I’m more than a person who constantly gives; I also deserve nurturing, kindness, compassion, and so much love. I deserve to put myself first, and that’s when it clicked: I’m going to create something beautiful for myself. My sanctuary will be peace, love, and clarity. I was destined for this all my life; I always knew since I was a little girl. Now I know what I want, and all I want is to be happy to be in healthy relationships, but most importantly, to love myself and know what’s worthy of me. I welcome new beginnings, new adventures, new romance, a new home, new opportunities, more money, and health. I deserve all the love I pour out, and I forgive myself for thinking I was never good enough because I always was.