A letter from May 08, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hi, I hope you are good. This is my second letter to you. Hopefully, this time I’ll have the courage to send it. I know I’m making it sound like climbing a mountain, right? But honestly, it feels that way. This isn’t easy for me. In fact, it’s probably the second hardest thing I’ve had to do this year, at least so far.🤭 At the beginning of last year, I discovered the concept of attachment theories. I took a quiz to learn about my attachment style, and it turns out I have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style, which is a form of insecure attachment. Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised. If you ever look it up, maybe it’ll help explain some of my behavior and why things between us happened the way they did. I am sorry. Deeply. When you told me you had feelings for me, I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t fully realize what I was doing… actually, I did, but I couldn’t explain why. I suddenly felt the need to pull away from you, to shut you out. It felt like I was being pulled into something I wasn’t ready for. I constantly questioned how anyone could love me, and I doubted the genuineness of your feelings for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the same way. I did. But admitting it would have meant being vulnerable, and that scared me. Letting you in felt too intimate, and I needed a way to mask how I truly felt. Distancing myself was my attempt to maintain control over my emotions. I convinced myself that what we felt would eventually pass. The emotions I was experiencing were unfamiliar, so I became scared. I didn’t fully trust myself around you either. I thought it was best to stay away. That way, I wouldn’t have to be on guard or risk being overwhelmed by my feelings. I loved you then, and I still do. Every time I saw you, it felt like a whirlwind of emotions I couldn’t control. I wanted to reach out, to bridge the distance I’d created, but the fear of vulnerability held me back. And it wasn’t just when I saw you. Most of my days felt like that. I longed for you. Writing this letter feels like a big step forward for me. I’m working on myself, slowly.
I’m learning more about what I truly want and need in a relationship. I know love shouldn’t be this complicated, yet here I am, caught in its complexity. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to let you in. I’m sorry I wasn’t the person you hoped I’d be. I’m sorry I didn’t give back the kind of care and affection you showed me. But it’s not because I didn’t care. It’s because I didn’t know how. I don’t know if it’s too late to ask, but I want to take my chances and ask anyway:
Do you still want this — us, me?  Would you be open to giving us another shot?
Not immediately though. Only when we’re both ready. Because I want to come to you certain, willing, and wholehearted. But if you’re not, that’s okay too. Either way, I just wanted to let you know. With all my warmth, Umm’khulthum.