A letter from May 06, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hi self, this is us, we are 20 years old rn. I hope you're finally healed. It has been 6 months since the ***** of your sister. **** depression! I (i mean technically, we) finally decided to also try futureme, to write to my future self. My sister used to do this, i discovered it in her account when i was checking it back when she first tried to leave the house (the first episode she had and also the 1st time i found out she was having depression). I have so many regrets, i should have been kinder with my words, i should have been more caring, i should have stayed more, i should have do stuffs with her, bonded more with her. But **** all of this is already useless. all of the what ifs are just ******* useless now CAUSE SHES ******* GONE. i wish she had been stronger. it ******* hurts how she was found, i am ******* mad at myself. My sister, you passed UP, and in ******* UP DILIMAN, like wtf?? that's how good you are. I have so many dreams for us. Now im all alone, and i dont know what to do, im scared, this adulting life is making me anxious, you're the only one who understands me, who knows how to help me. The reason i am studying hard is so that i can be also help fund you're schooling, to finally make everything easy for you when i finally get a job, now what am i supposed to ******* do with my life. i saw how weak mom was, i know you are her favorite, both our parents. when we found you're missing body, i saw how mom wailed in despair, how she cried so much. can u ******* imagine that. u were gone for 10 days or even more, and when we finally located you, it was in a ******* morgue! u dont deserve that this has always been in my mind eversince youre *****. was it worth it? did you jump? or maybe it was just an accident, did you have second thoughts when you did it? did u regret it last minute but it was already too late? i dont think i could ever recover from this. our house has become lonely. everything now is up to me, i hate it. mom and i are now always fighting. im sorry if i always try to avoid mentioning your name or anything that might remind mom of you. i always panic internally whenever she tears up, its like i want to escape. i dont know how to handle this feelings. i hate that your highschool friends whom you treasure much never even bothered to visit mom to even ask about you. i ******* hate them , i hate everyone, it feels like everyone has forgotten you, i want to ******* shout to the world about how great and good you are. im scared that when i grow old (if ill ever live mas much as that) i might forget you. i dont want that to happen. i wish we are not poor, we could have afforded a therapist for you, but **** money! i dont know how to express all of my feelings. can you please visit me in my dreams? please tell me you are fine, have you finally found the peace you want? your final resting place was quiet, it seems peaceful. im just sad that it's so far and we cant visit you anytime we want since we cant afford the fare. i wish we can put flowers in you grave but i was told it was not allowed. maybe ill comeback and write another one, i love you so much, if i could only follow you, i would, but i also now have to bear the responsibility of taking care of our parents, im now all they have. maybe someday we can see each other again. i love you