A letter from May 6th, 2025

Hello girl, 
This week is my final examination as a grade 11 student at San Pedro College of Davao. I took my Stats Exam this Monday, I was so happy at passing my test in the front, thinking I ace it, thinking about it now, I'm really dumb. I thought that for many years, I have finally understood how Math works, and I just have a lousy teacher before, which results to me scoring low at examination in any mathematical subjects. But it looks like, I'm just like anybody else, a normal student. A student that can never experience how the feeling of being Top 1 is. I could never, and never will. Like why should I work hard though? What's the point when there's always someone who is more better at me, what's the point? Do I really have to be stressed in the exam, do I really have to overthink everytime I answer the questions? Do I really have to put my hands up inthe class? If I can't even become a Top1 student, and the Top 1 never does that, she never participate in classes, she sometimes even just sleep, while I listen every detail that comes out of our teachers' mouths. 
I don't know anymore, I want to try some hobbies that can make me boost myself, that feeling, teh feeling of being one of the Top 10, I want that, so please, don't take my Top 6 label away from me. I'm begging you, I knew that I shouldn't be like this, when I didn't even work that hard, I promise, I will study, read, all of my study guides. Please just one more chance, I'm begging you. please. 
I don't know what I will do, if I won't be Top 6 anymore, I don't know what I will do. I really don't.
But maybe, if I'm not part of the honor list anymore, I wouldn't be this pressured, maybe I would be enjoying my life, maybe I wouldn't care about anthing anymore. Honestly, I want to be a mediocre, it would be a blessing for me. Its hard that you have the expectations of a top student, but in reality, your mind can't even do that nor your own self. I think, that if ever, I'm not part of the honor list anymore, I think, I would e sad, disappointed, and even more than that, felt sorry for my parents, and my two elder brothers. I'm sorry. BUt after many months, I think I will be happy, and contented. Although I would feel jealous and disappointed that my classmates, and teachers wouldn't treat me the same anymore, I know that heh. 
But if ever, I would still be Top 6. Then I guess I would be happy, and nothing would change in my emotional and psychological aspects. But I'm scared, like if I'm this sad jsut thinking about it, but why? Like I'm not scared being nobody, I'm scared that they wouldn't treat me the same anymore, I'm scared that I would have nothing left if I'm not Top 6 anymore. I'm scared.