A letter from May 4th, 2025

dear future Rou,
im writing this on may 4th, 2025.first of all, happy early birthday :) i hope ur doing well.
i dont know why im writing this but knowing that you'll get this delivered in a year makes it easier for me.
i just wanted to let you know that you are a lovely human being with a precious soul. i hate how things turned out between us and as much as i'd love to express my feelings about you, i know its too late and they're just empty words.. all my childhood i moved houses with my family, i moved to different countries and i have been in 20+ schools, never had a stable friend group or family circle, when i hit 7yo my mom had my 2nd sibling, then the 3rd and lastly the 4th. at that age i was full of rage and jealousy because i felt neglected and ignored bc i was the eldest. i felt unseen and it didnt feel like my feelings matter. anyway, when i went to highschool i kept changing schools because it was a habit of mine since i entered kindergarten. it didnt stop at schools, i moved on fast from jobs, friendgroups, fashion styles, hobbies, studies,.. nothing was consistent in my life bc i wasnt used to consistent. soon in 2021 i met u on insta and i loved speaking to you because you had so much patience with me and understood me w no effort, it was so easy and tbh, sometimes i felt uncomfortable because i didnt understand how you did it, the patience and affection you showed me was so strange to me and i will always love you for showing me what loving someone truly means. 
when i left my parents house to live on my own i didnt expect the hardships that would come with it, i had you but i felt so alone irl, this sounds silly but im a very clingy person w my friends and i needed that, its not your fault at all, but it was harder for me than i imagined it to be. hardships at work & finances & my parents & my mental health were getting to me and you were there for me i know, but i needed a hug, from you and i knew it was impossible so i started looking for comfort in other things, things you wouldnt be proud of and im ashamed to admit it but its in the past now. 
im sorry for never giving you the whole story, its because you were the only person that believed and had faith in me and i didnt want to ruin that. let the world be mad at me but not my Roheel. so i went silent. im not saying thats the right thing to do but maybe it was the easy way out of my shame. 
i hope your studies/work is going well and i pray for you and your family every chance i get. thank you for being you, thank you for being in my life and changing it for the better, thank you for believing in me even when i couldnt, i could cry from how much love i have for you, maybe we'll meet one day if its qadr who knows, but i wish you all the best and i hope you found/find the love of your life, i hope she takes good care of you because thats what you deserve, i didnt deserve you and i dont believe i will ever deserve a precious soul like you. 
happy birthday 🩷
lots and lots of loveyourszaineb