A letter from May 1st, 2025

Hi self, it's 2:57 am here and I am terribly depressed and disappointed to myself. I haven't changed a bit, I am still stupid, dumb, naive and selfish but at the same time selfless. I ate once today, my stomach hurt so bad because of it and I'm getting skinnier day by day. I'm totally insecure with my body but I don't make any changes, i just keep yapping until I'm totally being swallowed and devoured by this sadness. 
I badly wanna love myself but I don't know where to start. Maybe because my faith is fading away. I'm doing things without any help from others even from God. I am totally ****** up. I wanna cry so bad by my eyes doesn't have any tears left. I wanna surrender to God but I think I don't deserve Him. I have so much sins to be blessed by Him. But still, it lingers behind my head that I shall surrender myself. I shall accept Him. Why do I have this doubt? why? why I am questioning His works knowing fully well that He is real? I know it, I feel it. It's just that, I can't accept it. Oh Lord Jesus please hold me. Help me to get through this. I don't know why I am telling these in this letter. I need you.
I have so much in my mind that even in this letter could not possibly handle it. I am so afraid to become a failure. I don't do well in my studies, I don't take care myself, I feel like I'm gonna die earlier than I thought. I am so fragile. I am scared by not finishing my thesis. What if we can't defend it? What if I don't graduate on time. I am afraid but I don't give myself to at least do something. I am pathetic. 
I love my boyfriend but why I can't use him as a motivation to become better, to strive? Maybe because he is also fragile. We have same difficulties and problems in life. 
I hope after this letter sent to you and read it. You achieved something, I hope you graduated and proud to yourself because I am not and I hope you forgive me. Happy birthday self!