A letter from Apr 28, 2025

Dear God. I am writing you this email as I sit alone on the floor of my third apartment that I have moved into. I hope this email finds you well. My heart hurts so much God. I wish you could just come here and help me I wish you could be here and tell me everything that is going to happen and why I don't need to feel so sad. I just feel so terrible. so empty and so sad. I wish you could tell me what you think or feel. I can feel you telling me that I am not listening to you. It is the truth. I know you are not upset with me, but I just feel really sad and disappointed with where I am at in life. I feel behind and careless. I don't think I am making the right decisions. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do? I think I am not meant to be in this relationship right now, but I am unsure. I hate feeling unsure all I ever want is someone to love me loudly and confidentially and I can't even give them that myself right now. I tried to. I don't know what I did wrong. My friends are telling me I didn't do anything wrong or bad to deserve this. Am I overreacting? Am I reading too much into it? Is everything really okay between me and him? I just don't know. How am I supposed to know? My last relationship was ill. This one is not nearly as bad as that one. He agreed with my statement earlier. Words are easy, God. They truly do have a lot of power, but it is easy to say things and tell people what you think they want to hear. Is that how you feel about me writing you this email? What am I doing to show you I am willing to put my full trust in you? I know I should lean on you and not my own understanding, but how do I know what I am supposed to do? Can you see me sitting on the floor right now with my captain crunch and bowl of milk next to me? Please let me know somehow. I believe in you I just need you here, please. I just want to go home. My heart is so broken, God. I feel like I don't deserve these worldly things my friends are getting. Engaged. Married. Graduating. What is wrong with me? How am I supposed to hear you how am I supposed to know when you are guiding me? Please reveal yourself to me and help me understand. Do you remember our code word? Or is that just a silly thing I made up. I know you heard me, but I do not want to test you. Do I go based off of that? How do I know what I am supposed to be doing? What is your plan? Please. Is there any way you could deliver me a dream? I have not had a dream in a long time God. If there is anyway you could send it to me I will sit back and watch and listen to what you have to tell me. Even if it is not what I want to hear. I wish you were here right now. I wish I could be there. But you know that. I wish I didn't feel this way. How can I fix this? How? Give me guidance and a listening ear. A strong heart. Give me resilience in the way I believe and trust in you. I need your help and guidance. I am sorry I have been scared to talk to you lately. I fear what you have to tell me. But I am ready God. Ready to listen and to fufill your plan. I need to trust that it is the best plan for me. I feel myself hoping it is a good plan rather than simply trusting in it. Comparison is the thief of joy. You are talking to me aren't you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me write you an email. I hope this is okay with you. Do you think I am comparing him to hers? I just need reassurance on my relationship. Yep. The one that isn't even honoring you. I pray God that you give him the knowledge and guidance to change. And if not to change for me, then to change for his wife for she deserves to be loved how the church loves you. He does not love me like that. I pray he becomes a Godly man. I pray you bring me a Godly man. And if I am not meant to be with someone, I pray and pray you grant me peace with that. What do you think? Well. Know. What do you know? I pray you help me figure this whole atrocious school thing out. Thank you for someone like Zach Ridder who does not give up on me. That is truly a gift from You and You alone. I pray he is able to continue to inspire people. I need to make my study guide/cheat sheet for my exam tomorrow. Thank you for always being here for me even when I am avoiding you. A love like yours is unmatched. I pray for my future husband that you are carefully molding him into the man that I need. I hope you are preparing my heart for him as well. God's timing is best. Amen.