A letter from April 24th, 2025

Dear FutureMe,
if you're reading this, it's hopefully because you made it, and even if you haven't i'm sure you will! 
there was a time, i guess right now as im writing that you were still healing from things you hadn't even spoken out loud yet. things like being beaten for stuttering. for hesitating...
and i wonder— is that why you don't want to have children? 
not because you wouldn't love them. you would. probably too much.
but maybe because you still flinch at the idea of being the source of fear for someone else.
maybe because somewhere deep down, you're afraid the cycle will sneak its way through your blood... that no matter how hard you try, some ghost of him will live in your tone, in your hands... in your silence. 
if you've cried lately, that's fine! it's okay! i just hope it's for good reason now— like the softness of a life that YOU built for yourself. a degree on your wall and a room full of love. i want a version of you that doesn't flinch at the loud voice or raised hand of a man, okay? 
and if you're ready...maybe it's time to get go of her. not abandon her, no— never thatbut release her. set her down gently because that version of you— that little girl... the little who stayed silent, trying to be better so the shouting would stop? she did so much with the little she had. 
she got you here, she had so many attemptstried to let go multiple timesshe apologised when she was scared... made excuses for people who hurt her because she needed to believe someone loved her. 
but she's tried now isn't she? so if today is they day you finally stop dragging her through battles she wasn't built for... if you let her rest, if you stopped asking her to be strong just one more time— you're not forgetting her. you're honouring her. 
my one wish to you is that you truly enjoy life— stop trying to end it, okay?