A letter from Apr 23, 2025

11:32 pm hi. ched hi my love :) it's been like days ? weeks ? months ? since our breakup. time flew by so fast but honestly, every single day still feels heavy without you. i miss you so much love, always hahahwh. not a day passes where you dont cross my mind, even just for a second. how are you doing over there? musta nmn love hehe i rlly rlly hope youre okay and doing well there. me? im surviving ig. ive kept a promise to myself to fix myself anay so that pag mag cross man ato path utro, maybe hatagan ta chance sa universe hehe:) its been hard lately, wayay imo goodmornings, eatwells, imo hatod sundo sako, goodnights, your ilys, imys and the way you used to spoil me w lambing. i miss all of that. i miss you. everything feels so quiet now without you around:) ya ko kabayo if masend gajud ine sa imo or kung dle ko ine icancel but tana dle. or if by the time you read this, nagbalik ba ta or wala hahahah but whatever happens, js rlly wanna say thank you. thank you for everything. balik balik na pero thank you gajud. thank you for being my safe space, even if it was js for a while. 4 months lng but it never felt like 4 months “ra”. being w you felt like ive known you for years. it was like youd always been part of my life. but at the same time, its crazy how fresh everything feels. amo ra nan js yesterday rata laying next to each other, cuddling, and kissing each other nonstop. i still think abt those small moments. thank you for all the laughs, the tears, imo pagka joker. the comfort, and js for being you. i miss my goofy gwapo and pinaka bagtik musajaw sweet boy:) nabagtan ko imo perfume. imo regatta na imo taghatag kay ako tag ajo sa imo hehe jaon sa bag. imo petpeeve na bag na brown hhahwhshah:) i miss your scent, idk if you still remember, but one time i said to you na picky ako sa scent when it comes to boys kay dali ra mulabad ako uyo sa perfume nan layake. but sa imo hahwhs kahumot nimo:) i miss you:( i still have your jerseys, jackets, shirts, shorts, tanan rkn hahwhahahha one thing ill never forget from you is jari imo phimo na jacket. brings back memories hahwhah nakadumdum ako while naglantaw adton first date nato sa mcdo na thirdwheel si mark. adton tagpugos gajud ako nimo na mag date kay gusto nimo gajud na magdate ta mcdo:) grabe pa nato ka awkward adto and you kept asking me if okay rako hehe miss kona hahha if i could go back in time, id use every second js to be w you a little more. id look at your face a little longer, memorize every detail, every expression. id stay close enough to breathe you in, js to keep your scent w me a little longer. id hold you tighter, closer, like maybe if i held on hard enough, time would slow down. and id say everything i shouldve said. every little thing to remind you how muchhh i love love love love you, how much you meant to me, how much i never wanted to let you go. id make sure you knew it. every single time. im so so so so proud of you my ched. i cant even put it into words how much you amaze me. seeing everything youve achieved, ik you have your problems and issues, pero dle ragajud kaw gusto to talk abt it hehe. and js knowing the kind of person you are. it fills my heart w so much joy. you make me so happy js by being the incredible person that you are. no matter whats going on rn sa imo life or sa imo shs life, whatever stress or difficulties youre facing, i want you to know that i will always always be proud of you. ik youre doing your best, and thats all anyone could ask for. youve got this ched. ikaw pa hhehehe yk love, danas rlly been a blessing in all of this. shes such a kind and thoughtful person. shes the one who helped me get thru all of this. she didnt choose sides, but she reminded me of things i needed to hear. things i forgot along the way. after all, you had each other first before me. so mas kilaya kaw gajud nija on a deeper level. she made me realize that maybe, js maybe, we rlly did need time apart. not bcs we didnt love each other, but bcs we had to take a step back and reflect. we had to understand where things went wrong, and how we both changed in ways we didnt expect. sa ija ra nako nahibay an na jaon pa bajay ako waya nakilaya sa imo. na i completely forgot abt what kind of person you are, and how sensitive you are pud. im honestly so grateful that someone who also cares abt you was there for me. that means a lot. and even tho ako an nag una2 buyag right after completion, that didnt mean i wanted to lose you that wasnt me giving up on us completely. it was js me confused, hurting, and unsure how to handle everything i was feeling. i thought it was the right thing to do at that moment. but dang it hurt so much haha im so sorry for being insensitive love, for not realizing how my actions affected you. for making you feel suffocated, unloved, unappreciated when all i ever wanted was to feel loved back. i got so wrapped up in my own thoughts, my doubts, my fears, and i let them control me. i let my insecurities and overthinking get in the way of what we had. i didnt know how to communicate what i needed without making you feel trapped. thats all on me love haha and i hate that i did that to you. i rlly do. and im not asking you to forgive me right away, or to come back, or to forget what happened. js wanna let you know na i see it now. i understand now. and if i could take all that pain back, i would gyud in a heartbeat:) siguro pag jay mangutana sa imo uman nagbuyag ta, youd prob say, "tagkapoy naman gud sija" yeah. i was. pero sa kuman na im typing this letter, id say yes, tagkapoy nagajud ako. tagkapoy gajud ako. not of you. haha not even close. life was hitting me hard i had sm **** going on in my life, and js didnt know how to explain it without making you feel bad or worried. i wish i couldve told you, i wish i couldve opened up, but i didnt wanna give you more to carry. you already had your own stuff, and i js didnt wanna be another weight on your shoulders.i lost myself, i was numb. everything js felt very heavy all the time, and pati ako self ya na nako nasabtan. my thoughts, emotions, the constant pressure, the expectations, the fear, amo ra jaon an jaon sako utok always. and i hated that i couldnt let you in. but i wish i told you. i rlly do. but i didnt wanna be a burden, didnt wanna make you overthink or feel like you had to fix me and it sucks, kay all i rlly needed in that moment was you:) amo i kept saying "pls love lets js fix this" or i kept saying na tagkapoy nagajud ako kay that was me trying to tell and beg for you to js be there. not fix everything, not figure it all out, js be there. for me. but didnt know how to say it right. i was dealing w a lot nagka patong2 na tanan where i lost some ppl na important sako kay tungod rasab sako batasan. and was so focused on you na nakalimtan kona ako friends. and maybe thats on me. maybe thats where i ****** up. and its not bcs i didnt trust you, but bcs i didnt know how to tell you without making you feel helpless or guilty. and now im here typing all this down for future you, future us. hoping it somehow makes sense now. today couldve been our 1 year anniversary, but its okay things happen. siguro gale makalimtan sab nako na tag type ko ine tanan. basin gale dle nimo ine basahon but at least i got to say whats in my heart hehe i love you my love. i rlly do. and wherever you are, whatever youre doing, pls know that im so so so so so proud of you. always. even if you dont love me anymore, i still love you. so much. always, and in all ways js like what i always say to you sauna:) finished typing at 1:19 am.