A letter from Apr 17, 2025

Hi, It's a few days after my birthday. I've fallen off the wagon in terms of the annual future-letter, but that's whatever, I'm doing it again regardless. I turned 34 a on Monday, such a big ******* number. It scares me. Let's not dwell on that too much though, what can I really say. Anyways you're 35 so like what's 34 compared to that. Anyways, I've been going out with C. since around September, around 6months. My first real romantic partner of any variety since J. way back when. I like her, she makes me feel good, I like the *** (obviously). Sometimes it's a pain, she needs a lot of attention (not really actually, she's very chill and accommodating tbh. But regardless it feels like I never have the amount of time that I want and then some part of me blames her. Which is not fair or good I should think on that more and try to improve myself on that front). It's not that she needs a lot of attention per-se, it's just that I kinda feel like i can't give her what she really wants from me. She just wants more more more, and I just, I don't know if I want that. I want things to be "chill" keep the ***, keep the dinners & activities & some amount of the cuddling. But leave the "love" at the door, I can't do that, I don't want to do that. I got into an accident a few weeks ago, car pulled into a crosswalk as I was going across it. Let's not worry about fault right now, I probably should have been more cautious, but his *** didn't look either. Anyways afterwards I told her, and she was genuinely concerned, she more-or-less said that if I'd been really hurt she would have rushed to my hospital bed, she'd have been distraught. That care makes me uncomfortable cause I don't care about her like that. If she got hurt I'd be like "great, now I gotta deal with this ****". Like to the extent that I "care" about her in that way, it's only this sort of vague feeling of duty that I ought to care about her. I don't really "feel" it, i just know how to pretend to be a good person. Idk how to be honest with her about that mismatch between us because of this whole issue with saying "i love you". It's a whole ******* mess. What can I say. Okay, I've dumped too much, you probably aren't gonna read that. No conclusion to be found. The point is C. and I are good, it makes me , but there's a lot of snakes lurking on the surface, I've only touched on some of it really. The summary is I'm just not committed to the relationship the way she is. I'm just here for good-time and *** and validation, she has feelings that I really don't. And it makes me hurt to say that. But like, I'm just not capable of those feelings, I'm just not. Maybe someday I will, but not now. Okay next subject. My postdoc position is nearly up. Or is it? I was offered to continue on, but like, I need to move on (don't I?). I need to like decide where my life is going? Staying in academia? Getting a professorship/research position (if I can)? Or getting that bag by going into industry. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know, like ****. This and the other stuff, just how the **** am I supposed to know how to feel or what to do. I don't have grand ambitions anymore, research doesn't inspire me, I don't want to get older, I don't want to stay & and I don't want to leave. I just want to continue what I'm doing, but I don't want to let another year pass without having moved forward. I don't know how not to regret how i spent my 30s. Do I regret how I spent my 20s? I'll say it again, I don't know. What I want, what I actually want is to just be unemployed. Coast off my money, bike across the country, work on my personal projects. I wanna try and build some stupid video game type project that shows off famous physics experiments to the public. See how that goes. It's my own life, why can't I spend 12 ******* months of my own mortal lifespan doing things I want instead of just working for other people. Okay this is enough. I like biking, I'm very glad I commute by bike. I wanna ensure I include some good stuff too lol.