A letter from Apr 15, 2025

Dear Future me, Please don't read this if your not by yourself. I'll write another soon about college. I'm really sad right now because my mom said she had a high heart rate. I guess it's an overreaction to be sad about that, but I'm crying. It made me think about her *****, and how I'll handle it. It's weird to know that something really big and completely terrible is coming but I just have to wait. I can picture heaven, and I can picture my mom's ***** but not at the same time. It's difficult because they are such contrasts. I think the reason I want a husband and children so bad is because I need someone to be there when my parents die. If I don't have anyone else I can't take it. But I shouldn't plan my life out of fear. I should know God has a plan. I pray I will have full faith in him when it happens. Im such an anxious person, and other than my mom's heart rate both of my parents are perfectly healthy. I'm still so worried, and I feel like whenever I'm not I'm ignoring the problem. I feel more real when I'm sad, in that sense I like being sad. It's when I am most alive. But I could do so much if I wasn't afraid of the future. I guess I think being worried now will take all the sad out, so when it happens I won't be so broken. I want to jump into whenever plan God has to save me. I'm scared of being afraid and leaving. I'm scared he has no safety net and I just have to get through it. There is no way I can get through this alone, and I pray I won't have to.