A letter from Apr 07, 2025

Dear Future Me, PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME ALL MY FAMILY IS STILL ALIVE AND OK. PLEASE TELL ME I'M STILL ALIVE. And if I for some reason not alive this will still be sent I know. So whoever is reading this, it's someone in my family. Just know I love you all more than anything. Thank you for everything. I'm forever grateful for you guys. All you've done for me. But if it's me reading it then here you go. Hey just wondering how it's going. I have so much to ask. Most importantly though did I change? Did I stop hurting the people who love me the most? I know right now I'm lost and I don't know what I want. I feel the need to be like everyone else and care what they think, am I still like that? I just want to change so bad but no matter what I can't. I don't want to care what people think about me but I do. I'm not going online and talking to strangers am I? I hope not. Did I get my phone back? I really hope so. I miss going to school and seeing my friends, just having friends. Did I go back to public school? I am so bored right no I literally have no one. I'm so empty. I hope soon I won't have the same mental problems I have right now. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I was gone. Like if it would be easier on my family. Not as stressful. But then I remember Aubreigh Wyatt and what it did to her mom and family. Aubreigh Paige Wyatt was only 13 when she hung herself because she was beautiful. To be honest she was one of the most gorgeous girls I knew. She didn't deserve to die.I hope all this bullying stops. People are taking other people's life just to be funny. Little do they know that their just ruining their life. All the damage it will do in the future. I can't imagine doing that to mine. Other times though it's just so much and I want to end all the pain so bad. She should be 16. Instead she's forever 13. I want to do something special for her, but I don't know what. On her birthday which is March 17th, everyone is wearing pink for her. Their also wearing pink on July 31st for her. Right now everything just kinda hurts. I feel all alone and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I suffer in silence and no one knows. If I talk to my parents they'll just tell me to get over it. Plus I don't want to be considered suicidal and get looked at and watched carefully. So I'm going to talk to you. A lot of this has to do with my real parents. I miss them so much. I know they hurt me, mostly my mom, but I'll always love them. I wish I could see them again but I have to wait until I'm 18. People don't understand how hard it is to wake up knowing you don't get to be with your real parents. Yes I love my current mom and dad and I will forever be grateful for them, but it's not the same you know. In some ways their better in other ways they can't be my birth parents. I hate when I get asked who I love more, my real biological parents or my adoption parents. I can't pick between the two. I love them both. On the other hand I'm always getting yelled at and I don't feel good enough. I hurt my parents a lot. I have a bad attitude and I'm mouthy. Then if I try to distance myself and not talk, I always make them think I did something wrong. I just want to get their trust back. I wish I could go back and fix that. I need to remember that what people think doesn't matter, only what God thinks of you matters. Is fitting in, caring what other people think really worth going to hell over? I know I hurt Shania so much. She was one person I really looked up to. I guess from all of this I need to realize God is in control and he'll help me with all my struggles if I just give him my life. So here are my questions for you. Do I have my phone back? Am I back in public school? Do I feel more loved? Did I gain peoples trust back? Am I better in my walk with God? Am I changed? Honestly, I'm asking these knowing I'm the only one who can decide the outcome and answers to these questions. I hope I'm doing so much better when I'm reading this then how I am writing this. I love you. The girl writing this is broken, hopeless, feels drained, feels dead, just wants to fit in, to be loved. The person I hope that is reading this is alive, feels loved, successful, different, smart. Just remember your beautiful and God loves you. Well I should probably end this because it's about 900 words.