A letter from April 1st, 2025

Dear Kennis,
I'm so proud of you. I genuinely hope that you're doing okay. I hope that you want to be alive again and that you feel happy more than you feel sad. In case you're wondering, I'm currently in the trenches. Today is the second day I've ever felt like I don't want to be alive. March 17th and now April 1st. I'm not planning my own demise or anything, but I've had the recurring thought that I don't want to be alive today. I guess I'm writing this in hopes that it gets sent to a Makenzie that's in a better place. I'm using this as my reason and motivation- to make it to when I get this letter, and to hopefully be happier.
Whether or not you're successful, that's okay. Maybe we're doing terrible. Maybe we don't have a new job. Maybe school is going terribly. Whatever happens though, it won't **** you. It won't. Nothing in this ****** up world can truly take you. I hope you're not still having panic attacks and derealization. I hope you didn't have anymore terrifying days where you thought you were losing your grip on reality. Nothing was ever as scary as that day- and we still made it to our bed at the end of the night.
This is a scary, ****** up place. You have an imperfect mind and an imperfect body. But even though our mind has and maybe still is trying to take us, we can still make it. You still have a little bit until you become an ultramarathoner. I am so proud of us for that. And even though mom and dad might not really have that much faith in you, I have so much faith in you. I believe in you always- I know that you'll carry us to the finish line and through whatever challenges are beyond that. 
Life sucks. But it's all we have. Genuinely. The people around you, the world you live in, the body you occupy, and the mind you own. That's all we got. This stupid life. So if you still don't want to be alive, stay anyways. Maybe things will get better- maybe they won't. But we have an ultramarathon to run, and a life to live. It's daunting knowing that the future is uncertain and that we'll have to have a career, but we can hope that somehow, in some way, everything will work out one way or another. Whether it's our way or not, we'll just have to see.
In the words of Dr. Seuss, "oh, the places you'll go! you're off to great places, today is your day! your mountain is waiting, so... get on your way!"
Kennis, our moutain is waiting. I love you.