A letter from Mar 26, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Junior Year The worst, most meaningful year of my life. So many bad things and dark moments have happened to me this year that have changed me as a person. At one point, I didn't think I would ever make it out of the hole I was in. I felt like a failure, a problem, a person who was made to love and not be loved. Maybe I'm being dramatic because I feel like I cope better than I used to. I often say if the things that happened to me this year happened to me freshman year it would have been a different story. I don’t know why im making this sound like its a college esssy but what im trying to say is ive come a long way and I belive that ive matured and grown from the bad things that have happened to me even though it was my fault and some of it could have been avoided but other things on other peoples part I didnt deserve, I didnt deserve the words that were said to me I didnt deserve the actions that were taken and I didnt deserve to feel that way for so long. It was hard because the only person that truly understood what I was going through and fully understood me was me. I felt so alone at some points of this year and I truly believed that I was only made to be alone and be there for the people in my life instead of someone being for me in my life (to love not be loved) of course my family loved me and of course my friends loved me but they never understood how hard it was to be me in that period of time and my faimily is the most important thing in my life but I just couldnt stand beig at home and the worst part is even after all the things that have happened over the years and all the reasons I have for my emotions to be validated I still felt that I was the worst daughter and I was always over reacting because other kids have it a million times worst, so at the end of the day the only person I could blame was me even after everything from freshman year to now I never blamed them I could only blame myself for the way I am and the horrible daughter I thought I was. I don't think I deserve the way I've been treated by the people I love but at the end of the day I can't change the way I am, but i can try. Thinking back I hate the way I shut myself in my room every day after school but what other choice did I have it was the only escape and its the only way I could be on my phone without them knowing. And just when you think its getting better and you get the things and the people you love back it all comes crashing down harder then the first time. its a never-ending cycle that you cant escape. And you relive all the things youve been trying to heal since the start of high school(arguments, tears, anger, hits, the days on the school bathroom floor) and all you can think is “two more years” over and over again but then you get to thinking about whos fault it really is and your rethinking your whole life in your bed and yes i didnt deserve the way i was treated things did get to a low over and over again nut you cant shake the gutining feeling that its all your fault that yout the problem of the family and that you shouldnt be the one exited about leaving the house that your parents built for you becuase everyone would be happier if you didnt make the choices you did and if you were anyone else life would be better not for yourslef but for your family. I was the only one there for me at one point i did have to pick up my own pieces that i created but im proud of myself and i never want to go back to that dark place that i was once in. I know im not the smartesst maily because ive been told that my whole life.. I know im not the prettiest or the funniest or the nicest even though thats all i ever try to be but im proud of how far ive come and the way ive grown in different ways through the dark times and no matter how dumb everyone tells me i am i am the only person who knows how intelligent i really am I am mabye not in school but in the things that truly matter like knowing how to cope with difficult things or knowing how to be the best person I can be to my friends and stragers and how if i think jesus could talk to me i think he woujld say hes proud becuase i will never be the person that makes someone cry themselves to sleep or feel so bad about themselves that they have to go to therapy and i will always be the friend you can count on and never the one to make you feel left out yes ive done some ****** things in my life and ive had to take a lot of punches put i dont think i deserved it and im proud of me. I hope you have figured out what to do next in life. Don't be to hard on yourself, if this year has taught us anything its that we can go through anything and still come out of the other side a better person. Everything will be okay. I promise.