A letter from Mar 24, 2025

I was talking to Shant today to ask him to give me early prompts for next week's assignment because that's how much I wanna dissociate from the world. And I was on the verge of crying as well, because I realized how miserable it is. I left the office and the world felt like crushing on me. I had tears in my eyes and I had a huge need to just burst out in tears and fall. I dont know the reason. I dont know whats going on. I just know that I want to turn my mind off and just disappear. and here i am, sitting in the lab, trying to get it out because the only person i can talk to is myself and i feel how the tears are running down on my cheeks and how theres this pain in my heart and how my soul aches. and i stare at the keyboard, thinking that the words will just come to mind, but nothing does. there are only tears and nothing more. but the day started great. i was with auntie, my fit is great, the makeup is fine, everything seemed ready for a good day. so what happened? why do i feel my body burning? is it because of my argument with mane for the past days? or is it the one with granny? maybe its because my parents suck and instead of parenting and taking care of me, im doing those things to them? or maybe its my new job and the immense amount of hatred i have for it? or maybe its the fact that im all alone? that i look around and see that people who did me so very dirty get all the good things happening to them and im the only one left in the darkness? that theyre who they are because of me and i was the one who gave them friends yet they still did what they did? or maybe it's because im an awful person? i have to be right? everyone around you cant be the problem. no, thats ********. i might be the problem but its only because i have so much love in me that i keep giving it to the wrong ones. or maybe i do actually suck. or maybe its because i havent had rest since forever? or maybe its because i stopped doing the things i used to love because im so unconditionally tired? will it ever get away? will it become better? will i feel better? maybe i should move to italy