A letter from Mar 18, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Things are weird. I don't even really know where to start this. I feel like I'm back at square one, but I'm also not. The same things are happening (although not in the same way), and while I feel the same way about it, I'm not reacting the same. It's scary and exciting at the same time, because it means I'm making some sort of progress. For one, Tarra's obsessing over this Jad guy. He gives me bad vibes. I feel like when you read this, some big (and maybe tragic) thing will have happened between them by then. So, sorry if I brought up anything uncomfortable. But I tend to do that when I write these, because the future always turns out wayy worse than I expect. Seeing glimpses of my past mindsets is always weird. But anyways, she's barely texting/talking to me. It irritates me because I talked to her about it, and got nothing but a "yeah, but..." response. So I give up trying to get her to THINK about it. We'll see how that goes but it's not my problem as of now. BUT... I'm pretty sure I'm into her friend Avery. I have a feeling that with him being so busy, and Tarra being busy being with Jad quite literally 24/7 (like me and a few specifically toxic people...), she probably isn't talking to him either. So we likely won't have many opportunities to hang out, even if it were just me and him. And also, I don't know him, but I get the impression he doesn't need friends right now. As in, he already has an established group in his life and therefore has no real reason to reach out to me in particular. Which is fine, I mean, I probably wouldn't think about it if I were in a similar situation. Also, last time I talked to Tarra and Avery, they asked the question of "where are you transferring to?" I don't know, and probably won't until April or May (1.5 to 2 months, unfortunately). They then tried to convince me to go to UIUC but... it's not me. I feel like it's got a whole vibe going on that I don't belong in. And I feel like if I go there because of Tarra, and expect to hang out with her friends, it is NOT going to end up how I want it to. I am not equipped to live a life similar to her, nor do I particularly want to. I need to find a place for ME, not a place where I sort of fit in. It's going to be hard, because I've never fully felt like I belonged anywhere, let alone an established community. When I have felt like I belonged, it was at a one-time event or something like that. Little moments here and there. But I feel like every school is the same at this point. They all talk about the same things, they all have the same perks, they all have the same facilities. I can't tell the difference without literally going throughout a day there as if I were a student. I'm just stressed about school in general. Not classes, but finding a new school to go to. And I never liked big transitions like this. I get my hopes up too high that everything will change, and then it doesn't (obviously). My professors put out announcements this week about class registration opening soon, and I got excited. I love registering for classes. But then I got sad because I remembered that I wouldn't be taking any more at Richland, and that this was it. I really am in the endgame. It feels nice but also it makes me really sad, like I'm leaving everything behind. I think it'll work out okay though. Things are changing, and that's okay. I never really expected to make it this far, and I don't know where to go from here. Yeah, I had an idea of graduating years ago, but it seemed so far away. And when I think back, I don't think I expected to graduate anyways. Even if I'm only getting my associate's now instead of my bachelor's, it's still graduation and still a change. I hope you're doing well. You're dealing with the consequences of our actions now, so... sorry if I end up making the wrong choices. But there's always another road to take if things don't work out. It might be intimidating, but it's there. I don't know what it is because I'm stuck in last year, but you know what I mean. And knowing me, I know you'll figure it out. We always do!