A letter from Mar 16, 2025

Dear FutureMe, It is the 16th of March 2025, I am in my partitioned room in Khalidiya with Raveen. I feel so down, depressed and like a complete failure. From a failed life, to a failed job, to a failed education, to a failed marriage life, to a failed family life, to a failed social life, to a failed looking person. A few years ago, I never felt like this and it really hurts that I feel so alone in a room and a life full of people. Some people who really want to be with me and some people who are with me but dunno how to be with me. I am trying to understand which decision or which series of decisions have I made wrong to come to this point. Thankfully, I don't have feelings of ending my life but rather I have feelings of running away from everything and starting alone from scratch where I have only myself and decisions that I make, good or bad, ahead of. I don't have to think if someone needs to eat, someone need affection, someone needs money, someone needs help. Coz in the end I feel that if I don't give people the above things, I am nothing to all of them. I currently work for a job that isn't that motivating but I try to survive so that I can somehow make both lives a bit better living. I will be honest, it isn't any better at all. It's just a routine, and a lot of negativity. It is like negativity is coming behind me in every aspect. Even if I try to make it better for anyone, it backfires me with just hurt and tears. Even now, while mustering the courage to write this to myself I am in internal tears and a warm face. I am only writing this to myself coz I don't wanna burden my poor Ammi, Thaththi, Malli & Nangi who love me soooo much that words can't even express. They have nurtured me and gave me a life that I thought would have been a forever feeling. But life just slapped me on the face like a lightning bolt showing me that, that Disney movie has come to an end. I always had that feeling since I was younger that no one in this planet can understand me like I do, sometimes I even think if something is wrong in me or my thinking. Somehow, even at 32 years I can't come to conclusions with it. So me putting all my feelings into this letter is only because I wanted to talk to myself, and mainly because in 5 months to come I really really hope that I will be in a much much better place with all the people I love so **** much. Stay strong if not! God is the only answer.