A letter from Mar 04, 2025

Dear FutureMe, In June 2022, at age 19, I left college and have been living aimlessly for the past three years, working only 2 jobs in that time frame. I've done nothing but waste time and run away from my issues. Even now, I still refuse to face the reality of my current situation. In a word, I've tuned into a man-child falling prey to my seven deadly sins. Lust from my excessive porn addiction and ****** gratification to distract me from bigger priorities. Gluttony from my consumption of junk food and all manner of binge eating throughout the months. Sloth from my Laziness at home, either staying in bed playing video games or endlessly watching YouTube videos, movies, or shows. I knowingly neglected my duties as a son and human being and have failed in doing what I should've done a long time ago, whether out of indifference, lack of interest, or procrastination, and as a result, I have strayed from completing my goals, education, job pursuits, and many ambitious pursuits. I feel wrath at myself for not being strong enough to delay short-term gratifications and the strength to be consistent with my ideals. I refuse to be defined by my failures- I will rise above them and let my successes speak for me. Envy from friends and past loves. I'd harbor jealousy and resentment towards them from the way they treated me with disrespect or indifference. Like I didn't even exist. They'd swat me away like some kind of fly, only calling me when they needed something. NEVER for my company. Nina especially. Fake energy all the way. But not all of that is true. They do call upon me for my company and are pleased to have me around, but for some reason, it feels less than the latter. Maybe it's cause I'm desperate for connection and a meaningful relationship. I'm a part of the group but not REALLY a part of the group. I feel like an extra and sometimes wish I'd never met them, mostly cause of the cancerous emotions that I feel now. Melanie hurt me as well. Despite only being friends with benefits, I KNEW it'd have to end eventually. It was supposed to mean nothing. But because of my emotional immaturity and lack of relationship inexperience, I allowed myself to feel love and fall for her deeper than I should've. We ended kinda sourly on the cabin trip. I pursed her unecessarily. I still think about her from time to time. But New Year's Day, January 1st, officially DESTROYED me psychologically. I went there hoping to rekindle our relationship and maybe even ask her to be my girlfriend. But then her "friend" showed up. The way she acted was different with him. Almost affectionately. Her hand on his thigh, her expression, her body language, all of it looked unfamiliar to me. I hated the fact that it was with him and not me there with her. She'd always say she wouldn't sleep around or she wasn't like that. Going to church and acting like a "good" girl. I couldn't have been more wrong. That was just ignorance. I didn't catch it at first, but my idea of a good girl was loyal, friendly, and super nice and loved only me, not thinking about another man. But because she was nice, she was able to do ALL of that. Her acting nice allowed me to drop my guard and made me vulnerable to all of her red flags. Who knows how much she did behind my back while we were together? I now realize that my wife and partner will act the exact opposite. Rather than be submissive and intensely attracted to me, she'll be stubborn and dominant. Someone who takes charge, leads, and imposes their will rather than yielding. Possessive and passionate, seeing me as theirs, and pursuing me intensely. Strong-willed and cannot resist their desire for me. Greed for my insatiable desire to evolve beyond limits, to grasp power over myself, to master mind, body, and soul. And carve a path that few dare to walk. At first, it was one of my most admirable qualities- and still is- but left unchecked and untempered, it has come to consume me. My greed has consumed me because it never lets me feel satisfied. I'm always chasing the next goal, the next skill, the next version of myself—never stopping to acknowledge how far I’ve already come. It’s a double-edged sword: I push myself relentlessly, but at what cost? The hunger for more can lead to burnout, frustration, or feeling like nothing is ever enough. My mind is always occupied with “what’s next” instead of “what’s now.” I juggle multiple ambitions—military, consulting, fitness, intelligence—but I have never truly felt at peace with any progress. I expect myself to embody the best of multiple legends, but not truly allowing myself to be my own? I admire figures like Sephiroth, Zack, Anakin, and others, but in constantly seeking their qualities, am I not leaving room for my own identity to emerge? My greed is a powerful engine—it drives me toward greatness. But without discipline and control, it becomes an endless chase where I never feel like I’ve “arrived.” My wish is to channel it without letting it rule me. Finally, my pride. My pride is a complex emotion for I struggle on whether or not I have positive or negative aspects of it. Helping others, self-respect, personal growth, stubbornness, competitiveness, refusing help, are some of them. I have this urge to constantly prove myself but consistently contradict my doing the opposite. Its become exhausting and in the end I lost myself in understanding my purpose. Although tied to my ambitions and standard of living, I become increasingly arrogant and feelings of egoism. it made me feel superior to others and unwilling to accept help. But that chapter ends here. No more running, no more wasting time. From this moment forward, I take full control of my future. Like Zack Fair, I will push forward with relentless optimism. Like sephiroth, I will cultivate unshakeable discipline. The next time I read this letter, I will stand as proof that I followed through.