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Hey,
I need to be honest about everything because I’ve been carrying a lot, and it’s all catching up to me. I thought I was okay, but I’m not. Everything I’ve suppressed, all the pain I’ve been avoiding, is hitting me at once, and my heart feels unbearably heavy.
I’ve made mistakes—ones that I’m ashamed of. I got drunk at a work function, said things that weren’t Godly, and even lied to you about being pregnant just to get your attention. That’s how low I’ve sunk. And now, sitting with all of this, I feel like I’ve taken five steps further away from God, from myself, and from the person I want to be.
But this isn’t just about me. It’s about you too. Because for the longest time, I didn’t realize just how much damage you caused me. You ruined me, and I didn’t fully understand the extent of it until now. The way you treated me, the way you made me feel like I was never enough, the way I had to beg for the bare minimum—it broke something in me. And I hate that I let it.
I ask myself all the time—what would’ve happened if I had never met you? Would I still be this person who questions her worth? Would I still be chasing validation in the wrong places? Would I still be breaking promises to myself, hoping to fill a void that only keeps growing?
I feel like a fraud. I talk about wanting to heal, about wanting to be better, but then I do things that take me in the opposite direction. I tell myself I’ve moved on, that I’m strong, but the reality is, I’m drowning. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal, and that thought terrifies me. I feel like I’m running out of time, like if I don’t figure this out soon, I’ll wake up one day and realize I’ve completely lost myself.
But despite everything, I know one thing for sure—I need God. I need Him to give me the strength to get through this because I can’t do it on my own. I need to let go of everything I’ve been holding onto—pain, regret, shame, the lies I’ve told myself and others. And I need to face the truth: I let you hurt me, and I kept letting you.
I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t even expect you to understand the depth of what I’m saying. But I needed to say it. I needed to own up to everything, no matter how much it makes me hate myself in this moment. And I needed to hold you accountable, because whether you acknowledge it or not, you broke me in ways I didn’t even realize until now.
I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need. But I do know this: I can’t keep living like this. I want to change, and this is me finally trying.
Goodbye, Sibusiso.
I’m writing this now because I need to release these emotions, but I’m also committing to healing. A year from now, I want to look back at this and see how much stronger I’ve become. I don’t know how yet, but I trust that I won’t be in the same place when I read this again.
I did not send him the message because he was going to gaslight me even more.
I need to be honest about everything because I’ve been carrying a lot, and it’s all catching up to me. I thought I was okay, but I’m not. Everything I’ve suppressed, all the pain I’ve been avoiding, is hitting me at once, and my heart feels unbearably heavy.
I’ve made mistakes—ones that I’m ashamed of. I got drunk at a work function, said things that weren’t Godly, and even lied to you about being pregnant just to get your attention. That’s how low I’ve sunk. And now, sitting with all of this, I feel like I’ve taken five steps further away from God, from myself, and from the person I want to be.
But this isn’t just about me. It’s about you too. Because for the longest time, I didn’t realize just how much damage you caused me. You ruined me, and I didn’t fully understand the extent of it until now. The way you treated me, the way you made me feel like I was never enough, the way I had to beg for the bare minimum—it broke something in me. And I hate that I let it.
I ask myself all the time—what would’ve happened if I had never met you? Would I still be this person who questions her worth? Would I still be chasing validation in the wrong places? Would I still be breaking promises to myself, hoping to fill a void that only keeps growing?
I feel like a fraud. I talk about wanting to heal, about wanting to be better, but then I do things that take me in the opposite direction. I tell myself I’ve moved on, that I’m strong, but the reality is, I’m drowning. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal, and that thought terrifies me. I feel like I’m running out of time, like if I don’t figure this out soon, I’ll wake up one day and realize I’ve completely lost myself.
But despite everything, I know one thing for sure—I need God. I need Him to give me the strength to get through this because I can’t do it on my own. I need to let go of everything I’ve been holding onto—pain, regret, shame, the lies I’ve told myself and others. And I need to face the truth: I let you hurt me, and I kept letting you.
I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t even expect you to understand the depth of what I’m saying. But I needed to say it. I needed to own up to everything, no matter how much it makes me hate myself in this moment. And I needed to hold you accountable, because whether you acknowledge it or not, you broke me in ways I didn’t even realize until now.
I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need. But I do know this: I can’t keep living like this. I want to change, and this is me finally trying.
Goodbye, Sibusiso.
I’m writing this now because I need to release these emotions, but I’m also committing to healing. A year from now, I want to look back at this and see how much stronger I’ve become. I don’t know how yet, but I trust that I won’t be in the same place when I read this again.
I did not send him the message because he was going to gaslight me even more.
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