A letter from Mar 01, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I thought life would be better as soon as I escape the age of 13. But, ever since, it's getting harder and harder for me to even think it'll be better. I dropped low, I don't even think I'm slightly close to being sane. I've hurt countless of people, and the ones who deeply cared and only had sweet intent left, but not because they want to, but because I run away whenever I'm in the presence of their love. I don't know why am I the way I am and I can't accept it. All that's left in me is apathy, the insensitivity and selfishness all covered the sweetness and full of love that I used to be. Actually, I think I've been this way, I was just not aware. But you know, I hate to think that I'm selfish myself when all I've always thought about is their being, I know for sure that they'd be worse if they were with me let alone be friends that's why I got scared and ran away, yeah, my way of thinking may be different but... I wasn't selfish, right? Do you still remember when I always listened to I don't like mirrors, take care, and sign crushes motorist every night crying myself to sleep wondering if I'll ever get better eventually praying to God to take my life in my sleep so all these thoughts and pain disappear? It's harsh but we lived it. The constant stare at the mirror if this is all I ever will be, avoiding cameras to avoid regretting, promising to yourself that you'll never talk or smile because you hated the way it wore on you, the longing stare you give to girls because how can they be so pretty, it's almost as if I'm punishing myself to even exist. I never tried even once to be happy. All of that in the age of 14, why am I so cruel to myself and those around me? Happy sweet 16 to you, be happy.