A letter from February 24th, 2025

Dear FutureMe,
hi. you relapsed today. after uh... maybe two years? one at the least. it was hard at first. i was scared. can you believe that? something i used to do so easily. shaking. terrified to break the skin and see blood. "you're a bad person. sahar has every right to be mad at you because you're a bad person. he was right you're a bad person everything about you is so terrible. you should just die die die. bad things happen to bad people. that's the only way to explain these terrible things happening to me. im a bad person and bad things happen to me because im a bad person. i must have done something to deserve this." i bleed. i relapse. it's done.
 i go to religion class after. i forget for a moment of how unhappy i am. my professor is very funny. then we get to the reading of the book of job. he says, "why do bad things happen to good people? .... because they just happen. no one does anything to deserve it. it just happens." job's friends tried to tell job that it is because he did something terrible. he's not as good and faithful as he thought. god comes and says they're wrong. that's not what happened. something... bad happened. we can't understand it. we can't understand god and why bad things happen to goodpeople. but they just happens. and that's it. i start to think. "maybe... i maybe im not a bad person. and something bad just happened to me" it's stupidly simple. something a first grader probably doesn't even think. but i start tearing up. because maybe bad things don't happen to me because i deserve it. maybe bad things happen to me because bad things happen sometimes. it's hard to wrap my head around. 
he asks why bad things happen to good people.hes right. if karma is real. why do bad things happen to good people. why do children die of illness and why do parents watch them die. is it because god decided they did something awful and now they have to pay? no it's just what happened. they're not bad people. it's so stupidly simple. i feel like an idiot but i tear up anyway while he talks.
 we do an activity where everyone writes something amazing about humanity and something awful that happens to people. i write something general. he reads them aloud. love. ********. love. rape. love. seeing your family and friends. world wars. reuniting with your love. undoitional love. child abuse. laughing so hard til your stomach hurts.i find myself crying at all these awful and good things that happen. and i think. maybe i didn't deserve that. maybe. maybe. maybe things just happened. i tell him that i really needed this. he looks concerned but smiles back and says im glad. i walk out and start to sob as i sit on a bench. this revelation is so profound and it's hard to believe or imagine or comprehend. i don't believe it. but it's a nice thought.
joey then calls out of the blue. we talk and i manage to avoid sahar topic. we eventually do talk about it. he's concerned and feels bad for me. he knows how i am. i tell him it's okay and it's fine. i feel bad. then he tells me that im not a bad person. i didn't even say anything about it. "you're not a bad person and i know you think are and you believe it so much but you're not and it hurts me to think that you believe that." i start to cry.
is god real? is this a sign from god? at my lowest. i get this religion class. i get joey telling me these kind and loving things.  i don't know . probably not. but i cry and sob as joey tells me "you care so much about people and you love them so much and you think you're this bad person when we all can see you're not. you love us so much and i wish you believed it."  
i cry and cry and cry. is this god telling me im not a bad person? i wish i was religious. then maybe i'd know. but im not so i cry. and take these coincidences on the lowest day of my life in college.
 joey soft in my airpod. 100 miles away. you're not a bad person. and i wish you believed that.  i dont do enough nice things for you to say this i say. and he asks why he has to find a reason to love me. and i start to cry more. because why do people have to have a reason to love me? love isn't transactional. it's love. i know that. i love people. i don't think that. why isn't he allowed to love me without anything being traded in return. i feel like i dont even deserve it. i say with a sob. you're not supposed to deserve love, jess. he says with a laugh. and i cry. i because i dont deserve such kind words. 
anyways. i still relapsed and i still feel awful. but this was a day sent from god. i'm sure of it. even if im not religious.