A letter from Feb 23, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I think I'm miscarrying again...💔 - I feel like I should have known; I never had any pregnancy symptoms, and that's not normal for me. I started spotting yesterday, but before I did, I noticed the Christmas cactus that Kiley gifted me when I first miscarried..bloomed. It normally only blooms once a year, around November (with the last MC). I showed him and cried, thinking it was the baby letting us know we were pregnant. But now, I think it was a sign that I lost it. Writing this is so strange because I have no idea if a year from now I'll have another beautiful baby in my hands... or if I'll keep going through this. That unknown is devastating. This time does feel different, considering I just tested positive last week, so I have less of a connection, in a way. However, my heart is breaking. Breaking because going into motherhood, I never wanted a child to do things alone... I wanted them to have a partner-in-crime, a friend bonded by blood, and someone they will luckily get to have next to them for their whole life. My heart is hurting thinking I can't do that for Charli. Am I too old? Is something wrong with my body? Why do we have to go through this? As a letter to my future self: I hope you don't give up and I hope you allow yourself to not force it and let it happen when it's meant to happen. It's not always about signs and please try not to get wrapped up in that timing. Your body is amazing and you know what it's capable of. Just give yourself grace.