A letter from Feb 19, 2025

Hi, Future Me! Could you believe this, I'm writing your letter in my notes app first and not directly from the FutureMe website? There's something wrong with it, pero hindi na ako makapaghintay. It's 7:07AM on a Tuesday morning, I'm not supposed to be awake yet, but here I am. Gigisingin pa nga sana ako ni Jub, kaso bunganga na ng ate ko gumising sa'kin. I've had approx. 5 hours of sleep, and hindi naman masyadong masakit ulo ko. Siguro kasi the night before, nag-nap pa ako for 3 hours. Nap pa ba 'yon? Sorry, ang dami kong daldal. Ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat ng letter. Gumagana na lang utak ko for school and for Jubel. For CSE rin. Something the past me didn't know. Matutulog pa talaga sana ako, with hope na matawagan ni Jubel mimiya para magising, kaso baka 'pag tumawag na siya maingay pa rin si ate so nag-good morning na ako. A glimpse of your past life lang, Har. I'm starting to tear up kasi naiisip ko na baka you're far better na diyan than me, and I am so ******* happy for you. Maybe I'm crying din because I know there's also a probability na baka nothing has changed, and you're still stuck with this life. But that's not what I am here for. I am here because the Past Harlene, from 2024 wrote me a letter about how the Past Harlene from 2023 made her feel on her letter. (Teka, replyan ko muna si Jubel.) She was so passionate about it, I am almost inggit on how she describes her feelings. It was so so detailed to the point that I can almost feel it. Yes, I cannot feel what she felt exactly. Because me and her is not the same person, and that is already a year ago. Time passes over me and I forget things. I kinda wished I never forgot about that one, pero wala na akong magagawa. I don't wanna sound depressed in this letter, ang kaso parang ganon na rin ang nangyayari eh. Umuulan pa ngayon. Life is a little bit better and a little worse in some ways, if you ask me. I'm wondering how would you react on this one kasi baka sobrang ibang tao ka na. Baka galit ka sa'kin kasi I did not do better and it affected you–my future. 'Wag kang magalit, please. I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing everything I can habang everything around me feels like ayaw nila akong magtagumpay. I'm doing everything I can habang tinutulungan ako ng mga taong halos wala nang maitulong sa akin pero ginagawa pa rin ang lahat. Actually, erase the first sentence. They all want to help me. But I think gusto lang nila akong tulungan for their own pride, deserve naman nila 'yon. Pero sana lahat ng tulong galing sa puso at hindi dahil may makukuha sila sa akin pagkatapos. Magbibigay ako hanggang sa makakaya ko, pero 'wag ka naman sana nilang sinisingil ngayon diyan. 'Yung luha at lungkot ko napalitan ng takot. Paano ka napunta diyan? I'm sure ang galing galing mo. You did it scared, didn't you? Of course you did, wala ka namang choice eh. Siguro kung ako 'yung mga dating ako, nag-assume na ako kung nasaan ka. Kagaya ni Past Me 2024 na alam niyang 4th Year college na ako ngayon at nasa 2nd sem. Pero sa'yo natatakot ako. Bakit kaya? Nandiyan ka pa ba? May nagbabasa ba ng letter na 'to ngayon? Ikaw ba ako? O baka natatakot lang akong unahan ka tapos kapag nabasa mo na 'to malulungkot ka. I love how careful I am with your feelings that I know I could not protect you from. I'm from your past and I'm literally talking to someone that might not exist, nor is existing right now. I love how careful I am with your feelings, I love that I care about you and you have someone who genuinely cares for you. Kaso lang, by the time you will read this letter, I'm gone. Pero gusto kong malaman mo na I loved you. I will love you. You will love me, and hopefully, mahal mo ang sarili mo right now. Wherever you are. Gustong malaman ni Past Harlene kung anong naging reaction ko sa letter niya. And actually? Crying my eyes out. Habang pinakikinggan ko si ate na murahin ang anak niya kanina, umiiyak ako kasi mahal na mahal niya ako. Nakasulat in detail kung anong naging reaction niya dati, and for context: it's February, umuulan, nasa ilalim ka ng kumot nag-t-type ng letter. Pero kasi nagbabasa ka lang from your Gmail app. Wearing your favorite black sando, surrounded with pillows na bagong palit ang pillowcases. Kumot ba 'to or kobre-kama? Nagbabago ba ang tawag sa isang bagay depende sa paggamit sa kaniya, or will it stay the same despite of how it was used? Malapit ka nang ma-late sa 9AM class mo sa FAR, sa totoo lang. **** PRIA, 'no? Pero I really hope you did everything you can to not get ****** up. Do something about that hairline, though. Ang haba na nitong letter but I won't send it yet, baka mimiya may sasabihin pa ako eh. For now, kikilos muna ako. (Watch how time fast time flies kasi by the time you're finished reading this sentence, tapos na rin ako sa araw ko.) See? It's now February 19, and I was supposed to send this letter yesterday. Miski ako, medyo nauga kung gaano kabilis lumipas 'yung araw. Did you know that I'm now into Pokémon TCGs? Hays, super expensive hobby. And I like to have everything. Kumusta diyan? Hobby mo pa rin? Ano, may pera ka pa ba? HAHAHAHA Anyways, I'm here to continue writing. Ang dami mo nang binasa, baka nabagot ka na. Gusto ko lang rin magkwento, pero siguro sa next letter na 'yon. Kwentuhan kita sa mga naging buhay mo, tapos sana... sana talaga, sana ma-appreciate mo nang sobra kung anong meron ka at kung nasaan ka ngayon. Mahal kita, Har. Promise, mamahalin kita palagi kahit wala na ako. For now, review muna ako sa RFBT. Please love yourself. Or start loving yourself again. I'll leave it to you na, please be kinder to her. – Past Harlene