A letter from Feb 12, 2025

Dear Future Me, Today you found out that you had barely passed your first Anatomy exam. During the exam, after, and until now you had felt so confident. The entire time your pencil was on fire and you felt overwhelmingly confident. You left that exam feeling like you had just put out straight 80s material. 80% that is. And here you are with barely crawling to 70%. It is above average. Above above. But below, not just what I want, what I need. And now, I am here. I needed somewhere to write my feelings and to take a minute to reflect on how I really feel. I am sad. I really wanted and still want to become a teacher assistant for this class. I keep picturing it. This vision of me wearing the lab coat, with a red name tag. And that name tag will have my name on it. And it will be the only one of its kind to first exist because this school has yet to have a teaching assistant with my name on it. I want it. I need it almost. Because once I leave student government, I will no longer be important to this school. I will not have importance nor attachment to anywhere here. No title attached to my email. I get it, it's okay. But it's really not. I can't do student government anymore. I love it. But my mental health can no longer keep up with the competitiveness amongst its members. School is getting hard and I need to start doing better and focusing on my future. I could do council too but its not making me happy anymore. It's the people and the fact that I cannot give my heart to it. It fills me with guilt and dread. Right now, I am playing through Persona 3 Reload, I am absolutely obsessed with it. And my boyfriend is amazing. And my familial ties are great. I could make more time for the boys. I am really starting to like my job again, I make great money. I have a good car. I look pretty. Don't ever feel otherwise. Your brain makes you extra beautiful. I am feeling good. I am doing really good about putting in effort and getting things done. I just need to figure it out. And maybe there isn't an IT to figure out. I just need to keep pushing and try a different strategy. I even felt like I didn't study right. Why am I feeling like this. I felt good. But I also felt like I could have done better. Thus I cannot punish myself. I just need to hold myself accountable for putting out better work. I am not out of the race yet and I just really need to make it happen. To make this thing happen. I mean. Even if I cannot become a teacher assistant for that class, becoming a chemistry class teaching assistant or a lab assistant doesn't sound half bad. It sounds cool. I just want somewhere that makes me important. Is that weird? I am important to those that matter to me. I have ties here. But I need a title. Always. I always have. But why? Do I feel unimportant without one? Is it a good thing? Isn't it a good thing that I want to be involved? I know I am a leader. A performer. An empath. I need somewhere to belong at the end of the day and people to connect with. My connections are what give me importance. But instead, maybe my connections only help develop my character, they aren't solely who I am. I would say school isn't who I am. But as this science pathway becomes harder and harder, it is becoming who I am. I am dedicating myself to this. I am trying really hard to at least. I need my hobbies outside of this. I can have both. I am trying always to be put together. I will try harder. But also allow myself room to grow. I am not lost. Everything is supposed to be changing and change. With council, I want to make sure that I am making the right decision. Once I sever the tie, coming back won't be the same. But that's good, I wouldn't want it to be the same if I am really wanting it to change. There's my answer. At least I think. I am okay. I am great. Even when feeling all of this stress and struggle, the outcome will be fruitful and really that's what makes me feel best. I feel gross when I put off work. I feel fulfilled and rewarded when I do good on something and put myself into it. That's normal. That's how I can know I am not lazy and am capable of this school thing. I had a dream last night that I failed my anatomy exam. It was really tragic because it had felt so real. I dreamt I had gotten a 30 on my test. A score of thirty or 30%? Dunno. Either way, I failed. It was a defeat. The type where you fall on your knees and throw your hands up and curse the sky. I at least feel a million times better that didn't happen. Honest to god, I feel satisfied with my score. Not giving up, never will, I have so many reasons to not and I know what I want. I just think it unlocked other feelings. The importance thing is what feels too crucial to me. Is it a lust for power? I mean, that is a big part of why I have always done council. I need to feel above the average student. The common person. How I think and feel so deeply is not enough. I need proof that something about me is special. Because if I am not special Does everyone feel like the main character of their life? They do. But, if people aren't really aware or question their existence too much, does someone become more important than them? Or. Okay I am thinking way too much. Too much. But it feels REALLY good to write out my feelings. I have trust issues. Sometimes I even feel too afraid to put my deepest feeling somewhere incase it'll be found or judged. Even when I had a therapist, I did not trust her. Ever. Or any of them. It truly is the idea of being percieved for me. I struggle with being percieved. Always have. And I hope that I will not always feel that way. It can dissapear. I struggle to want to be perceived in any way that is true and raw. Yet I cannot imagine living somewhere I am not seen. It is this actors middle ground. You can see me onstage and be starstruck. But if you try to see me behind the curtain or after the show, no. Because then it ruins the illusion.