A letter from Feb 11, 2025

Dear FutureMe, So I randomly stumbled onto my old futureme account. Guess it's the new tiktok trend going around that sparked it, having conversations with your past self and all this non-sense about how proud she would be. I realised then, that I really don't remember what 15 year old me had in her brain. I remember she was goofy, cringy and a little bit childish (which is absolutely fair given she was only a teen), I think she was full of these big ideas, and longing for a perfect life I suppose. It's funny how that works, we spend so much time romanticising the future, what it will look like, who will I be (or maybe it's just a me thing), until one day you realise, you are 25, and you're more lost than you have ever been. Funnily enough, you are more okay with it then ever. With not knowing where exactly you'll go, or where life will take you, but you know what you don't want. I think that's already half the battle, which is always good. So where am I? I am unemployed, I quit the 'dream job' that younger me believed was going to bring her true happiness and probably self actualisation. No seriously, I am 100% sure that she was delusional enough to believe that I would sprout a pair of wings and achieve a level of self absolution. Oh, well I achieved something all right, complete burnout, nervous breakdown and prescription antidepressants. Oh is that so, does Big Tech and the corporate world not bring true happiness? Who would've thought.. *crickets I have ended a two year relationship, or rather it has ended. Funnily enough, it was a great first relationship, it taught me that I could be loved, well the version of me I gave him. Because that's just it I suppose, I went into this relationship and gave myself fully, loosing whatever parts of myself that the corporate world didn't manage to suck out. And so I was left like that last birthdays balloon, depleted of helium, barely holding above ground. That's why I'm super grateful I hit rockbottom last year. If it wasn't for that I would still be chasing fictional corporate levels, holding on for dear life hoping I don't get impacted with another round of layoffs that Zuck instigated. While I develop grey hair, further stomach ulcers and probably a twitch with the way things were going. Or maybe I would have gotten a heart attack at the ripe age of 26, who knows? But that's all in the past. So, what is this me doing? She is figuring it out. I am super lucky that I got to save up in the past 3 years, and can now take a year to see what's next. I am working on myself, finally going to a therapist who is competent, and I have the emotional capacity to open pandora boxes that have been sitting inside me for way to long. I guess I want to understand why it's so hard to me to accept myself and love myself. I have so much self-loathing, it's like this heavy rotten cross I have been carrying inside me for way too long. It's time to take out that chainsaw, chop it up and start disposing of it. Cheesy metaphor, but you get the point. I went back to uni, who would've thought, just for a graduate diploma. It's nothing deep, it's 'creativity, innovation and entrepreneurship', might seem like fluff, but it's just what I need right now. Since I've finally matured to the big scary decision that I want to open something of my own. After 3 years of 'making impact' that had **** all to do with actually doing anything impactful, maybe if you count colouring up your performance impact statement and cosying up to whatever nonsense initiative they rolled out that quarter. I realised I want to do something meaningful, I want to build something worthwhile, something that I am passionate and proud of. So yes, after so many years of saying that I will never, ever want to open something of my own, that I want financial stability and all that, I realised that this is the only thing that will truly make me happy. Making my rules, creating something that I believe in, not some fictional forecasts in CRM. Am I scared? Petrified. But, I know I will get there, it will come to me, and I will make it work. If not, I know I can go back to the corporate world with my experience, if only for a while while I continue figuring out the rest. Well I was just reading this back, and realised I haven't been fully truthful, there's a program for startups with the deadline for applications being this week, I have been meaning to getting around drafting my business idea and submitting it, but there is something holding me back. I can't exactly put my finger on it, maybe it's the fear of biting the bullet and actually facing the battle, knowing that there are skills that I am lacking and believing that if I wait just long enough suddenly I will have them. Crazy? Maybe? But we're all just humans after all. It's interesting how much you can figure out, when you don't have the weight of the world on your shoulders. These past few years left me to feel like I was running on fumes, with not one single idea or interest in my life. It was all about survival. In the past few months, I really believe I found some ground. I am trying to get back into swimming, picked up a few Spanish lessons, take myself on cinema dates and day trips to London to the theatre, and let's not forget fulfilling my childhood dream of going to the US. I think, like my therapist said, I am healing my inner child. So what's next? For the first time in one of these letters, I have no idea. I don't wish for myself to be somewhere, accomplish something, be with someone. I just hope she continues on this journey that we are currently on and she just keeps swimming. Knowing now, what has ****** her and damaged before and not allowing that pattern to ever repeat itself. So, to my future self? Keep going, one thing I am sure of, we will figure it out! Whether you'll apply to the program; start something of your own; going on the J1 as a camp councillor; road trip across Europe; go back to the corporate world; or maybe something else entirely. I think the only thing that matters is listening to your gut, it's never been wrong. Keep growing Julia