Words I Needed to Say - From Sakina

Hey Rhonny, 
 By the time you receive this, a couple of weeks will have passed since I wrote it. I could have deleted it at any point… maybe I should have. But if you’re reading this now, it means that, even with time, it still felt worth sending. That these words, these feelings, didn’t fade as easily as I hoped they would. Heads up, maybe read this on a bigger screen, and with an open mind. Please?
Your absence, even in the short time we knew each other, has been more difficult than I expected. Not because I don't understand why things had to end, but because your presence—who you are and what it meant to me—is invaluable. Writing this, sending this, comes with no expectations (some hope that you hear me out). Holding onto heavy feelings lets them settle into my mind, my body, my heart. And if I don’t release them, they linger far longer than they should. I'm still processing how things got this way and how quickly you shut me out...like within minutes. So this is me letting it go—allowing myself to say the things I wish I could have said out loud, even if they don’t change anything.
There was something real between us. Maybe brief, maybe unexpected, but real nonetheless. You told me you felt that connection too, and I believe you did. Even if momentarily. I wholeheartedly accept that you found a much stronger one you want to nurture more. Though ours wasn’t enough for you to keep exploring, it still mattered to me. For a moment, I felt seen, understood, cherished in a way that's been rare to find. Before you withdrew/stopped trying, the depths (and shallows) of our conversations flowed, shared silences felt peaceful...comforting, and sometimes it was as if we existed in our own space, separate from the noise of everything else. You acknowledging you felt that too is a bittersweet memory now. Some days I feel easily discarded by you, doubting what you said/who i saw was real. But i know that's just the hurt. Valid hurt by the treatment received in the end but not productive or welcomed to focus on. I don't agree with your methods in the end but I don't need to villanize you or discount what we shared to feel better.
None of this is about our physical or romantic connection by the way. That’s why processing this has been harder than I thought—because I know what it meant to me. And in some way, even briefly, I think it meant something to you too. 
What you said about finding an unexpected connection with someone who has things you wanted + didn't know you needed, I said to others about you... Life is interesting that way. No guarantees but we must remain steadfast in hope and faith. Regardless, you made your choice, and I do respect it. She's lucky you only have eyes for her. I even admire the reasoning behind it. And yet… I still miss you. Talking and being vulnerable with you. You holding space for me. You wanting me around...ugh. I hate that i feel you shouldn't have just given up as if it meant nothing.
I don’t want to hold on to someone who has no want, no need, nor space for me in their life. Just know there's no hard feelings, never has been. If anything, it's paradoxical because I'm genuinely happy for you while also believing you hurt me in the end, and that we deserved more time. Have I crossed your mind since that last conversation? It seems like an easy switch for you meanwhile I'm wondering why I can't shake thoughts of you. If I have or if I ever I do, I hope you remember me as someone who genuinely prays for the best for you—even if the best has nothing to do with me. I don’t want to feel this connected to someone who has since let go. My heart just needs to catch up to what my mind already knows. Simply embrace the experience for what it was. 
I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret any of it. If anything, I’m grateful. Because even if our paths crossed briefly, they left a lasting impact on my views about faith, life, and companionship. You mattered. You left me with more to reflect on than you'd probably know—learning, unlearning, and relearning. 
We know better than to doubt God’s plans, even when they’re unexpected, even when they sting. I pray for clarity, for peace, for the ability to fully let go. And I pray that whatever path you’re on brings you exactly where you need to be. That you never lose the sincerity and kindness that make you who you are. I pray that in your hardest moments, peace and kindness find you the way you found me. That you never stop growing in faith, love, and purpose. That you always have people in your life who truly see you and cherish you for the person you are. You are amazing and so deserving of goodness in all forms. 
I pray, too, that my heart softens and my mind quiets, that I remember how to release what was never mine to hold onto. That one day, I think of you and feel only the gratitude—no ache, no longing, just warmth for what was, and peace for what is. Reaching the end of this letter I already feel lighter. I just wanted to say I appreciate knowing you, even in such a short time. I respect the path you chose and the reason behind it, if you really aren't open to anyone else, she's lucky. Just needed to acknowledge that knowing you truly meant something invaluable to someone like me. 
Now, the door is closed but unlocked if you ever need anything. I saw/still see a friend in you most of all. And if it really does stay closed forever, I hope wherever you enter remains safe and inviting God willing. 
Wishing you the best in all things, Rhonny. I apologize for my messy process of letting go and letting you be. Neurodivergent meltdowns are not ideal for anyone involved and I hate that we couldn't have a different/better/cleaner ending. It's no excuse, and I regret any negative impact my actions have had on you. Truly.
Take care. 
Always,Sakina