A letter from Feb 05, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I don't really know what to say or do anymore. It feels as though those around me aren't really close to me, at least, not as close as they used to. My activities prevent me from enriching my relationship with them, and despite my best efforts I feel as though I'm cast aside for whatever they already have planned. This sucks, this all just sucks so much, and, as much as I hate to say it, I'm not really being a good friend. Neither are they. I yearn for the relationship I had with Jesse and the others in years past where it was the four of us just hanging out and having fun, but the past few months I just feel like I haven't been able to enjoy my time with them at all. It starts off with actual enjoyment but then I am reminded that I can't get into the things that they are into. And, I know that friends aren't just about having the same interests as the people in the friend group, but when that's all that they ever talk about, it just feels wrong to try and detract from that. I need new friends. I need new people to talk to. I lost the only person that I ever thought I would wanna spend the rest of my life with and it's all cause of me. It's all my fault. I can't feel bad because all this hurt was orchestrated by my own hand. I'm just trying to hold onto the last modicum of relevance I have with my friends and even then I just feel like I'm being brushed off. I want to be better. I want to be able to talk like how I want to. I want to sing all the melodies that resound within my heart, but the fear of being perceived is far too strong. I do not even know where to begin with this. All of it, I have to get around to fixing, but the mountain of work that I find before me is far too daunting to even begin the first step. But I have to. I need to. I want to. I hope you're doing much better than me. I hope you have better relationships. I hope you're finally able to be your true self. I hope that hope prevails. I hope and will continue to hope for what else do I have but hope itself.