A letter from Feb 03, 2025

Dear Chicken, sooo a few changes have happened like the fact me and my sister have a YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW!?!?!??! LIKE WHAT?? anyway it isn't even my birthday yet which is in 2 days. It's currently 5:09 a.m. Fed 3 Monday to be honest this is the first year I'm not excited for my birthday I know a lot of people hate or cry on their birthdays because they don't like getting old but I love it truly I do! I think it's a beautiful process in human life so it's never bothered me and it's why I love my birthdays!.....usually but this year is different. I had plans of what to do on my birthday like go ice skating or going on a picnic and going to the drive in! All of this I would have done with my friends from school but I cancelled those plans even tho I was looking forward to it. One of the reasons I cancelled the plans is because we don't have a lot of money right now or at least that's what I tell my family when they asked why I cancelled the plans but the real reason I cancelled my birthday plans is because I won't get to spend my birthday with my other friends online especially Enoch :/ I was really looking forward to it but now.........I just feel so alone I'm trying to occupy my time with school or talking with my sister or doing arts and crafts because anytime I'm not doing something I just think of Toby and Enoch and I wonder if they are doing ok and if they think i'm a bad friend...I hope they don't think I'm a bad friend. I wish I was able to at least say goodbye to them. I hope Enoch is eating well and getting sleep but knowing him he probably isn't. I hope he isn't too worried about me or angry at me. I had dreams of him. It felt real like he was dreaming at the same time I was. I couldn't see his face in the dream most likely because I've never seen his face at all. That's what made me think maybe he was dreaming this too....or maybe I'm just really hoping he was, hoping he understood that I didn't leave because I wanted too but because I was forced to. I'm not as mad at my mom as I was in my last letter but I still think she could be more trusting of me I mean the only reason I didn't ask her to download Instagram is because I felt as if she say no I mean I couldn't stand feeling like a caged animal and Instagram was like my safe haven a world to escape too when I didn't want live anymore I had people on there who really cared for me whether my mom realized it or not but those people are some of the biggest reasons i'm still here and breathing I just wished she'd understand but I don't think she ever will because she is a very mistrusting person and she has her reasons for that. I hope I don't cry on my birthday I don't want them to ask why i'm crying I mean what am I supposed to tell them? That I really miss my friends that I genuinely connected with? That I wish I got to spend my birthday with them even if it was just through text? Not like they would care anyway they'd only think I was stupid for making this "mistake" but honestly if I could go back in time I still would have done it I just would have been more careful. I still think about the guy from school and how when he smiles I can't help but smile I mean his smile is just so perfect! I used to know his name but I seem to have forgotten it ever since getting my phone taken I think it was Mathew or something with an M I don't know. We have made eye contacted a couple of times and sometimes it feels like he knows I like him but he never comes and talks to me but to be fair I don't talk to him either but I just get too nervous! Maybe that's why he never comes and talks to me? Ooor I'm being dululsional but who knows he could like him I mean why would he look at me so much? I'm pretty sure he looks at me way more than he looks at anyone else in school I mean there are soo many people there so why look at me the most? I mean he has to like me what would be the other reason?????? Thinking about him also helps take my mind off of everything. Anyway I hope you're doing better Chicken and I hope you're able to talk to Enoch again! Maybe by the time you read this you and the guy from school will be friends or more.....!!!! Who know!? Only you do future me. Until next time goodbye Chicken!