A letter from Feb 02, 2025

Dear me, I have absolutely no clue what the future could hold for you, for us. You should be getting this message when you turn 18, I hope by then we finally find peace with ourself and the world. Honestly, I don’t feel real. None of this feels real. To be completely honest, I don’t know if I’m hoping for you to be happy or to have given up on trying. The date is Saturday, February 1st, 2024 at 11:40PM. 612 days from when you’ll be receiving this (1 year 8 months and 7 days in other words). I hope by then we’ve finally gathered the courage to try learning urdu, start to play the keyboard, practice singing, and any other dreams i forgot to mention. I hope we have found people who truly love us. Maybe some of them I am surrounded with now do love me, but at the current moment, that feels like a total lie. I feel as if im someone you like, not love, because i’m not person who is easy or even enough to love. I was born to be the lover, not the loved. I pray that we find ourself, whoever that may be. I hope we learn what we truly desire and deserve. I hope even your craziest imagination somehow come true, maybe in a different form obviously cause some of them are universally impossible. I hope you can look back at this message and think that I would be proud of where we have gotten, that you would be proud. and even if that isn’t the case, I hope you have the strength to keep going to make us proud. you’ve gone through so much, well we have. we can’t just end here. i know how hard that is; trust me. you can do it. you have to. you know you have to. try to open up please, or else we might end up dead. its so hard, but please, do it for me. do it for us. do it for yourself. I will probably look back at this and say “wow, this is the stupidest and cringiest thing i’ve ever laid my eyes on” but i’d rather have the chance of giving myself a burst of motivation, a reminder, a reason for why we have been pushing through this hell. I hope you find out the little things about yourself—like if you want a kid, if you want a family. or what your favorite color is. your favorite meal, your favorite show, your favorite movie, or whatever it may be. I hope you enjoy small moments. Finding chocolates in your bag, funny videos, inside jokes with shahzeb, someone smiling at you, or you smiling at someone. I hope you do things that you enjoy; buy xdinaryheroes merch or &TEAM, or whatever. Decorate your room how you like. dress how you like. do what you like. be yourself. overused advice but that doesn’t mean its horrible. I hope you stick to your interests, and discover new ones. Don’t be close-minded. Explore. there’s so many different things everywhere; animals, people, cultures, environments, languages, media, countries—don’t limit yourself to a couple things. I hope you don’t have to continue not knowing. I hope the words “I don’t know” is the sentence that leaves your mouth the most. I hope the words “i’m sorry” don’t come out for any little reasons. I hope you learn how to express yourself; through clothing, poetry, music, etc. I hope you heal your inner child. I hope that little girl can see that she does have a future. that she deserves to be loved and cared for. I hope she knows that no matter what she has to keep her kindhearted spirit with her, even if it feels like theres no use in being caring, it’s the only gift she has; her empathy, her heart. I hope you believe in family again. I hope there’s some sort of peace within the house. Book those trips to Pakistan, dive deep into your culture. Be with your loved ones, find your soul. Learn the mother-tongue, and as many languages as you can for that matter. Explore the world, and help others, as many as you can possibly reach. I hope you redevelop past close relationships, whether it’s with family, friends, whoever. I hope you and thien nha are still friends. I hope she finds herself, if she hasn’t already. I hope you meet taleen after decades. I hope it’s still a beautiful bond. I hope you possibly get close to one of the cool seniors? if you even remember who i’m talking about. I hope you can discover new people. I hope you find the one. yeah, i don’t know how i feel about marriage, but i def don’t want to date hell no. but maybe when you find the one, it will all click. there has to be someone out there, right? there has to be, there will be, i promise. I hope they are kind. I hope they shower us with love. I hope they know they are loved by us as well. I hope they are even more than what we imagined. I hope they will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I hope they love you so much to the point that they do the littlest things for you, like knowing what song you’ve been obsessed with, or washing the dishes even though you didn’t ask them too because they want you to rest. I hope they know you, like how you know you. I hope they’ll understand and be there no matter what. I wonder if they’ll have siblings as well. Are they also Pakistani? What’s their favorite color? Do they also like cats? Do they wear glasses as well? Are we polar opposite or the same person different font? What do they do for work? What are their dreams? Do we know them already? How did we meet? Are their eyes brown, blue, or green? I hope their family is kind, and I hope our family loves them. I hope they give amazing cuddles. I hope they have a cute smile. I hope we can do duets. I hope they are everything. I know this letter is so disorganized and literally everywhere. There’s so much more I want to write; ideas keep feeling my head. I think I’ll just end it with this. One more thing I am hoping for. I hope you know that even if you aren’t reading this letter, whether that’s due to losing this email, or losing your life, you know that I don’t hate you. I could never truly hate you, at least i don’t think I could. I. love. you. I really don’t, but i also do so so much. I love you. I love your eyes, I love your hair, I love how you treat others (most of the time), I love how you think, I love your way with words, and i love you. not anyone else, not who i think you are, you. i don’t know you, but i know your there, somewhere. don’t give up, please. - with the only love I think I have left, Nimrah S. Abbasi