A letter from Jan 28, 2025

Hey futureme, (FYI this is after writing this but I googled when UCLA transfer decisions come out and you should be getting this around then so that's why its a random date) I wonder if I will read this in time cause sometimes I open these letters late (or too early). it's the first time i'm sitting at my desk in the house which feels odd it doesnt feel like the old desk which i had a bunch of memories in it feels a little empty. it's my second week of college at ARC and it's not rlly going well. Ofc i knew making friends would be tricky and didn't have high hopes but i feel like i've hit rock bottom regarding my social life. i mean no one rlly sits next to me in class i alwasy have a empty seat next to me and it seems like my anxiety has gotten worse with talking to ppl but maybe thats just the way my life is meant to be maybe the best moments i had all were supposed to be with my high school friends maybe thats where the good part of my life ended. thought it's a lttle funny since i alwasy thought college would be better and i would be able to reinvent myself and from how it's going right now it wont happen. but i think the failure of my social life is why im driving in this idea of going to UCLA to at least fix some part of my life and not fail at that. but even then i doubt i would get in. i know by the time you get this you would be applying to UCLA and UCI i wonder if the application process is sitll as hard as it was senior year and if i've gotten any friends by then maybe. (actually by now you should have gotten most of your college decisions) to better my chances and make myself more secure when i open this letter to hopefully say i have a good shot in getting into UCLA im throwing myself into getting into honors classes to boost the chance. But even then i have this nagging feeling that maybe whatever i do it won't be enough to actually get in becasue what if i am not trying as hard as i think i am. idk its kind of late and i have folklore music going on in the background so i feel emotional writing this kind of like a movie character except my life is very bleak and lonely. ive applied to so many jobs on handshake and i sincerely hope that i get a job at some point i dont want to burden mom or my brother abt my expenses i just want them to be proud of me but i dont know how i can make that happen its like i have so many goals and aspirations for myself but the idea of failing is to overwhelming that i never actually try since i already know theres a major chance of me fialing even though i feel like i'm good at something i know there will alwasy be someone better which is heartbreaking and emotionally draining. speaking of emotionally draining i wonder how driving has been going last time i drove i quite literally nearly ran over some little kids. i got so scared i started praying the rest of the drive home. i hope i've gotten less anxious abt it honestly i bet it doesnt help that i watch instagram reels about driving accidents (whoops). i hope mom and vera are doing well they both seem like theyre going though a hard time with work i hope they are happy in a year they both deserve all the good in the world. i hope at some point wether in 20 years or when i open this that i'm happy too i really want to just experience a sense of happiness it feels like i haven't felt it in a long time. that's all for now but i might update later. Oh also what gpa did you get for your first semester it better be higher than the 3.4 you got at BCC last year if not you suck!!! also i fully just subscribed to this so you better continue to write letters...i hope i get into a good college