A letter from Jan 28, 2025

28/01/25 Dear Future Me, hello. I just wanted to update a little bit, now that my boyfriend is not here and I have some time by myself. I don't really know where to start. I feel like just based off of what I've read from before I feel like I've come a lot further with my process of liking myself and feeling more in tune with my feelings. Feeling less overwhelmed by certain scenarios. I feel like I've come very far with accepting myself and who I am. How I choose to express myself and how I communicate with other people. Now, when I feel judged by others I try to reflect on it and how that makes me feel and why I feel that way. Of course I'm human and it gets to me, but I feel like I'm handling it in a much more logical way and I'm very .. like I could say I'm very unrealistic when it comes to my dreams in the future. At the same time as I'm not because I feel like my dreams are very achievable, but they require a lot of hard work and determination and the only thing that will stop me from achieving that is myself. For example, right now I am studying cyber security full-time, at the same time as I'm working as an apprentice full-time and I'm very happy I'm choosing to do this because my apprenticeship is teaching me a lot of knowledge that I would not have otherwise. I feel like I've missed out on just this practicality that I wish that I knew and learned about. Day by day. And also I feel like the environment I'm in, even if I don't fit in with the guys, they accept me as I am. Or at least I don't say anything or seem uncomfortable by me so that allows- that gives me the space that I need to work on myself and how I want to approach the world, instead of feeling like I need to present a certain way. And the cyber security, it's to help me achieve my dream of having a farm. And if I have a farm then I need to work on it probably for half a day or maybe even more. And the perfect scenario for me, like as I've been imagining it in my head, is that I have a farm that requires work to maintain which I'll do in the evening and it will be the type of farm that can feed me and my family. That will give me peace in my soul not only because I'm working with my hands but also because I'll be able to feed my family and not feel like I'm dependent on the convenience from our government. which I feel like as a very unreliable source if I can say that. I don't know, but for example when an unforeseen crisis occurs everyone goes to the shops and hoards everything and there's a clear panic in our community. But if I am able to feed me and my family with what we can grow ourselves and not have to rush to the store because that's the only source of food I have which I will fight for with everyone else I feel like that gives me a peace and calmness I would really appreciate. So I have my head up in the clouds and I imagine this world where I don't have to rely on anyone else but myself and my family, and I'll build this empire of food and nurturing and love. And the sun will be on my skin and the dirt will be under my nails and the sound of nature will be my radio. The details of how I'm gonna get there are a bit foggy but I don't feel like this is something far fetched and I'm very excited for the day that this might become reality. Maybe it won't just be my family, but a whole community of people who want the same. Who wish for a slow life. And that makes me very happy to wake up in the morning even if it's 6:00 a.m. Some days are tough though. My boyfriend has to wake me up at times and I wake up groggy and grumpy. but I'll have this sweet boyfriend who makes me warm bread with honey, and who I love so so much. I'm sad that I wake up so grumpy when I have this sweet boyfriend who wakes up with me. I have to go back to studying now. I love you :)